Another advantage of being a man

is that I don't get embarassed one iota that this happened!

Reality

TEARS
Will i not cry as thousands more die,
tears fall and i can do nothing,
doing everything i can in just one place.
still more fall, walls crumble and mud slides on top of fleeing souls that cry and shout and scream but die all the same.
Did they know? Did they believe? Did they have any peace as the darkness swallowed them whole, shaking the foundations of their existence?
What would i not do to aid now? would i not bleed and sacrifice more from my lofty existence to love and care for those that have less than nothing?
No longer can i bear to watch, for these rivers from my eyes prevent me. Now i too raise my voice and beg to discover what is next, for i will have no peace until others have drunk from the wellspring of the one true hope and love offered so gracefully.

~dedicated to those touched by the earthquake in Pakistan (Oct 13 edit: over 41,000), the mudslides in Guatemala (more than 200), the typhoons in India and Taiwan, the tsunami in Indonesia, Thailand, Somalia, India and Sri Lanka, and the hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico, the bombs in Bali, starvation and AIDS and murderous dictatorships across Africa, and to soldiers dying in Iraq.

Oldies but goodies

Standing Before You
Before you now I close my eyes,
tears run down, hypnotized
trembling I can’t stand for long
I stumble, choke – can’t sing this song
You were my rock, my hope, my dream
But now I’m lost, trapped within
A world that lies and kills for joy
A world despised will be destroyed
Home – I found my way back to you,
Praying you can’t see all
The nightmares I’ve been living through…
Now I wait to hear what you will do.
Before you now it all comes down to this,
I ran afraid – you made me feel,
I couldn’t trust what was real
I betrayed you with a last kiss.
So far I fell, I gave it all up,
All for nothing, now I live in hell.
I remembered you there, and here I came,
I’m still afraid, but I’m not the same.
Home – I found my way back to you,
Praying you can’t see all
The nightmares I’ve been living through…
Now I wait to hear what you will do.
And what you say I cannot comprehend –
Pure love and care – you want me to live!
Hold me in your arms, I am home.
Never ever again will I choose to roam…
Home – I found my way back to you,
You saw everything –
The horror and shame I went through…
And you said “welcome home,” “I love you.”
And standing before you now I am free
Becoming all I ever wanted to be
Believing the reflection you speak to me
It took so long, but I can finally see.

seek and find
Salt and sand cover nothing but a grave that washes over a life long pat but clearly unforgotten. Sill there is more than awareness that desire overwhelms the lessons believed in so deeply but now unacted upon. Surely chaos reigns and I do too much according to others until I run away and start anew. But not with you, or you, or you, but YOU. Only you are with me and I push all others so far away because I fear. I fear not only their touch but their depth. I want what I want but I will not take it from anyone. From you I cannot but from her – whoever she might yet be – I will not. You made this so. You turned me into who I am – a good but f'd up man. Still I run from all things, longing to be known and alone all at once where I am safe but fulfilled. Instead I endanger not only myself but all those around me I want to love with all my heart, mind, soul and strength too. If I could hear you and listen then perhaps all would make more sense but I do not and cannot and it does not. Rage reasserts itself and floods wash over me but I breathe deeply and do not forget salvation this time, only the pain remains. The fire. The change. The birth. The escape. The life. The answer. You. Not me. You.

Can I?
Can I take a moment now to just sit and shout?
Can I take some time to just let it out?
All the days you’ve caused me to lose them so,
Every moment you stripped from me and now I know.
Pain I see before my ways,
Now you’re gone and now it’s time to pay.
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
Can I take an hour to sit here and cry?
Can I take my life to let it go and not ask why?
Every ounce of strength inside is ready to explode
Now is the time to race and run the perilous road.
Mountains to climb, oceans to swim and fights to win
Every last breath to the fullest – I’m never giving in.
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
Within my reach I extend my hand
All of my love – never a demand
Tore a hole in my soul but here I stand
Power, glory and joy before me – don’t know when I’ll land
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
All these scars, they make me strong
You’re finally gone, now I can sing this song.

And I Know

Home in you I lay it down, giving all – its yours.
Here I am I sacrifice and bow my will to yours
And I know its all you
I know everything is true
Nothing I can say or do
You forgive and I’m made new
Life in yours I lift it up, knowing you drank the cup
Here I am I worship you, you’re glorious in all you do
And I know its all you
I know everything is true
Nothing I can say or do
You forgive and I’m made new
Joy is found in your presence, Lord
A smile that grows
A way I walk that’s not my own
But now a love that shows
In your arms I’ve found my way, no price to pay, no words to say.
In your death I’m born again, no sin to serve, my peace through the pain…

FLOW (fall '03)

Approaching, onward, up and through that which would restrict freedom leads to a letting go and it becomes life. Spinning and turning, becoming more that a part of me, becoming everything. No longer in isolation, but one with something greater and more beautiful – a masterpiece of movement in this life. Every motion refined with nothing left to waste, as if breathing.

Such beauty to behold! Thoughts and preparation yielding such majesty that eyes cannot avert, and inside – somewhere deep in the soul – something awakens for the first time: a vision of the creator of this joy that brings tears. The world comes into place as each step is in rhythm with the sounds of the heavens. And as the final pirouette brings an end to the dance, a new day draws near, basking in the light and love of Christ.

Forgetting the Future

When I can’t go on

and seek to stop

I look no further

than my own past.

For if I were to

just jump from the tip

of my tongue and see

that the pain won’t last.

Looking for the Christ

restores all my hope.

Attempting to be a sheep

helps me pass the test.

Uscita (exit) (July 2004)
There it is, waiting for me. It looms gargantuan, open wide and ready to slam loudly shut from behind, exclaiming to everyone that it is finished. The eyes - clear and crystal - are fierce like the lion's and hurt like a wounded child's. There was no expectation, no justifiable reason, therefore absolutely no sense for all roads to lead to this dead and ironclad end. The fairy tale is a story of joy and wonder - it should never end in pain and screaming nightmares such as this. Only we're not asleep, we're not waking up from a figment of our imagination that doesn't require turning back the clock to undo. This reality is frozen in history and her face reveals that there is no summer to come that will melt this. A penalty too grand? No, it is just, only the crime did not yield a reward worth the loss before me now. To never see that smile just one more time, or to hear that perfectly luscious and repetitive heartbeat every night to help me fall asleep, or just even to know that you loved me with every last twitch of your soul. And it is gone. This is my last exit, and you will never let me in again.

Like a Rose (winter 1999)

From afar one sees only the blood red
appearing in the darkness.
Closer and closer I look, and the color pours forth
over the gloom and death surrounding it.
Is this true? Is the rose real? Shall I believe?
With confidence and assurance I trust, and then reach out
to touch but the color has already covered me.
I feel it burning, cleansing, and refining me
from the depths of my soul.
A joy that cannot be fathomed I discover at that moment,
and it does not leave.
It is then that I take hold of the rose and hold tight.
The incredible pain of each thorn is not enough to make me separate
from a pleasure that has graced me and sanctified me – saved me.
This is love, in which the sacrifice yields something so profound –
so real – that to lose it would kill me for all of eternity.

To be me (November 25, 2002)

The chaos surrounds me, swirling amidst that which I long to know, long to be, but cannot anymore. The old life gone but not forgotten, struggling to let go so more can be had – for it’s already given but not taken. But to take, more must be sacrificed – to discover who I am I can no longer be he who I am not.

I believe, but my unbelief traps me. I cry out but still am silent. I feel – unable to be completely healed from the past – but cannot find my way – though there is but one.

Just then everything changes again and I search but am not free of my bonds, a slave to my own fears but afraid to be free. My faith is not dying but I am – slowly, patiently, breathlessly. The responsibility of my life is mine – but completely Jesus’ all at once – for it is His path I attempt to walk, His spirit that restores my soul, His word that makes me do what I want when I don’t.
Soon I will awake to a life I want but is not yet mine. The future is near though the past hunts it without stopping. Now – right now – iron sharpens iron, wills yield slowly, truth seeps in through the cracks. The foundation is made wise, the hope in the unseen made stronger, and the fears fade. I will be what I am to be – a man after God’s own heart

Saya tahu anda tahu saya tahu

(I know you know I know)

These words do not set me free,
everywhere I go and everything I see is nothing without you.

I need your touch.
I need your love.
I need your life.

Sad eyes, I cannot see anymore what I should do.
The aches and pains, these tears I cry, I am through.
I obey your laws but feel not your touch.
You promised if I did you’d give me that much.
I am willing and have I now no blame?
Still I’m speechless, in awe – you put me to shame.

The silence speaks to me,
I listened to lies – you set me free,
everything I am is you.

I know your touch.
I know your love.
I know your life.

And I know you know I know.

4 of a kind

Change my Heart

Nothing feared and hope left to spare, exhaustion overwhelms – you are too far from me. Not seeing that which captivates, forgetting your voice, losing grip of your touch. It matters more than anything but here I am, running again, ignoring just how much you love me and how alive I feel in your tender embrace. But something tells me it’s not enough and I’m stupid enough to believe. Why? I don’t know. Is there ever a reasonable answer to such a question? You love me with purity and truth but you are not naïve to my deceptions. But your grace is magnified by the depths of my shame when I return to you. Teach me to flee your presence no more. Help me to stand beside you and hunger only to be held more tightly. Change my heart. I see your beauty and this reflection pales… lead me home that I might reveal the same light as you.

Time Creeps Forward

Sliding by the winds whisper and say how old I am today.
Once it was a joke by now it seems that slowing fading are my dreams.
Captive in a foreign land, led carefully by a strong, gentle hand.
Never forced – I give all my trust – since obey truth I must.
Lines and wrinkles, deaf and blind, sill I see and hear all I left behind.
None of that matters though, just as long as I know you love me so.
Time is endless with you, if the words you wrote are true.
So let the end draw near, nothing in life do I dare hold so dear
for everything I want and need, every little word and deed,
speak louder than any shout. It is you I can’t live without.
Advance! Advance I say! For birth and death are just another day.

Dichotomy

It is a strange sensation to be somewhere you don’t necessarily want to be, but somewhere you have to be. It is a part of your destiny and there you are living it out, only you wonder when it happened and why and when it will end and what is next or if this is it.

So strange it becomes impossible to fathom all the good that has happened here. Not just for me, but to all those I’ve met and how I’ve seen them open up and grow in smiles and hope, and perhaps more.

Some I cannot explain simply because I do not know how or you must experience it yourself. Deep inside, you know when the stars align and the words are right and life is whole – nothing is missing, though you may want more still – this is a natural tendency to all.

And so here I am, a million miles away, missing my friends and family, embracing my new life, living completely and whole and wholly free by a will that also is free. And I do what is right and what I’m supposed to do. Some might call that a dichotomy. I call it just right.

Let it go

Stealing my heart and my mind, I let it all go,
just to be here, right now, just so I can show
the light o this life,
the strength of this soul;
just to know of peace,
just to hear you love me so.
Much more than I have ever know,
more than anyone has ever dared.
You were never afraid of me,
you were never ever scared.
But just to be here, right now, so I can show
the light of this life and the strength of this soul,
to finally know peace and to hear you say, “I love you so.”
What more could I dream? How loud must I scream?
You’ve stolen my heart.
You’ve stolen my mind.
My will? My all? My everything?
To you I let it go.

Darkness

Darkness is an ambush that lies in wait desperately wanting to find you alone and weak and eyes glazed over in fear. Darkness is derived from an absence of light that does night shine around or in or through. Darkness lies and says that it is good and that you should yield to its strength and that it is more powerful than anything else in history.
Like I said, darkness lies.

Darkness is weak - it possesses unimaginable power surpassed by light. For light shines and makes all else come to light. Darkness cannot stamp out the sun - anywhere an object lies the sun can remove the shadows if darkness chooses to get in the way.

But turning away from the light produces victory for the darkness.

Darkness lies. Do not turn away from the light. The light is good. The light is life.

Business as usual

Ok, yes, I still need to learn how to iron more often. I'm busy, ok? ;p

Release

Losing it all – what cost shall be beared to see the ocean so perfect as it did today? Crystal waters reflected from a blazing sun. Mountains towering over the landscape and an island bearing promise amidst its cries of pain not yet silenced.
What am I becoming more and more of nothing? Can it be so that I am less now than all my dreams had in store?
The heart breaks in confusion – unaware suddenly of everything, longing and searching for something that will hear these tears running down my face and seeing the weight borne by such small shoulders. What hope can take this burden from me? By what manner might I be made to live and live in joy, basking in the soft wind under gentle golden rays stepping in velvet sands that release me? Release me from these chains and I am yours. Release me to lose it all so I may gain today, yesterday, tomorrow and forevermore.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller...

Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

30 meters

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That's me in red. The wave knocked the top off...

Devastation

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everywhere you go you still see the effects of the tsunami

whisper (2)

Whispering in the darkness, nothing remains at all.
Trees, metal, tile & flesh drown me in blood.
Closing my eyes tighter still the breath escapes me and still the wave rises higher and rages more powerfully.
Desperate to make a sound but beyond fear there is no denying the emptiness that swallows me whole. Never again will I hear my love smile. Nothing shall remain - not even a memory - for they are stripped away by power unforeseen and incapable of being imagined.
Whispering in the darkness I die, whether or not I survive this watery hell.

Lead Me

Your words roar in my head like thunder and i am shattered, unable to respond. You want my whole life and I just want to cry.
I want to go home. I do not want to suffer anymore. I cannot stand and still you remain beside me - calming my fears and easing my doubts.
Overwhelmed and incapable, but such is not the truth. Far too much to do and still it is enough. It shall be all right.
Only fools claw at me and attempt to drag me down. My friends are broken and crushed by the darkness that surrounds.
Oceans away I cry for them. Tears separate my heart, and pleading I beg for mercy upon them. Lead them also back to you, what we might stand upon your words that roar in my head.
I come undone, at least allow it to be on a strong foundation that is cleaned and rebuilt upon easily. Do not let me go without you, for without you I am nothing. You are everything. You have my whole life already, lead it as you must.

Floating

Each whisper a cry, longing to be released from this cage. Once roaming the earth but now trapped in this… this... cocoon that requires me to seemingly be born again from a womb? Once was enough – I must endure this trial again?

Seemingly so a dream stirs inside that casts such a beautiful vision of looking down upon this world while floating in the night sky – free from harm but still maintaining a role. No wish granted could match the spectacle of flight and though I coul not before now the hope seems within grasp!

Is such thinking not foolish though? Once legged and now winged? Unlikely! Unfathomable. No. It certainly cannot be so… but how does one forget? Shy should this dare be forgotten?

Fight! Freedom! With the power of seemingly another’s strength the urge yields sunlight shining down. And escaping from the cell it fades beneath me. And realization that by pursuit of the dream it has been reached, the wings flap and float and dare to fly higher still, now knowing that creation is meant to soar.

Change

Blink and the world has forever changed yet again. All my friends – where have you gone? Or where has it I have left you for? My mind races and new faces appear, new souls are bonded and much joy and celebration occurs and BLINK.

Lost! All is lost again! Why? How? A journey with constant beginning can lead to no ending, and is this recycling story not mine?

Blink.

No, I remain and it is the others who change. I feel my own hearts’ loss and gain. No control over them do I have, but such does not tell that the bond is broken, only removed from my sight.

Suddenly I feel the love remain again. I – blink – still abide in it. Blink. I feel it surge in me as the changes bring more and not less. Blink. Foundations are not weathered by change when made of truth and action of its love.

Blink. I am forever changed. Are you?

Blink.

foreign soil

Awake

Eyes open and will not shut for the prayers of the dying are at hand. What price can be given or paid for such a chance as to know even the greatest of things? And such an opportunity is thrown away and for what? FOR WHAT? To see a new jewel on a mistress’ neck? To own another suit with many silk ties? To eat an extra lobster with a finer bottle of wine?

This nightmare goes on while the dream dies in the sufferings hands. And thought they see a new force loving them, do they ignore the possibility of leaving it all to follow that which loves them more than anything they’ve ever known? Is their sacrifice any less or greater than mine?

Yes, because I have already chosen and have no fears but one left to face. May today also be a good day to die, and that when it is time I am prepared to and do die well.

Show these in dreams and miracles that the cost of being awake is worth it.

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MEOW!!!!!!!

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healing the land

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lucu

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temple

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