Oldies but goodies

Standing Before You
Before you now I close my eyes,
tears run down, hypnotized
trembling I can’t stand for long
I stumble, choke – can’t sing this song
You were my rock, my hope, my dream
But now I’m lost, trapped within
A world that lies and kills for joy
A world despised will be destroyed
Home – I found my way back to you,
Praying you can’t see all
The nightmares I’ve been living through…
Now I wait to hear what you will do.
Before you now it all comes down to this,
I ran afraid – you made me feel,
I couldn’t trust what was real
I betrayed you with a last kiss.
So far I fell, I gave it all up,
All for nothing, now I live in hell.
I remembered you there, and here I came,
I’m still afraid, but I’m not the same.
Home – I found my way back to you,
Praying you can’t see all
The nightmares I’ve been living through…
Now I wait to hear what you will do.
And what you say I cannot comprehend –
Pure love and care – you want me to live!
Hold me in your arms, I am home.
Never ever again will I choose to roam…
Home – I found my way back to you,
You saw everything –
The horror and shame I went through…
And you said “welcome home,” “I love you.”
And standing before you now I am free
Becoming all I ever wanted to be
Believing the reflection you speak to me
It took so long, but I can finally see.

seek and find
Salt and sand cover nothing but a grave that washes over a life long pat but clearly unforgotten. Sill there is more than awareness that desire overwhelms the lessons believed in so deeply but now unacted upon. Surely chaos reigns and I do too much according to others until I run away and start anew. But not with you, or you, or you, but YOU. Only you are with me and I push all others so far away because I fear. I fear not only their touch but their depth. I want what I want but I will not take it from anyone. From you I cannot but from her – whoever she might yet be – I will not. You made this so. You turned me into who I am – a good but f'd up man. Still I run from all things, longing to be known and alone all at once where I am safe but fulfilled. Instead I endanger not only myself but all those around me I want to love with all my heart, mind, soul and strength too. If I could hear you and listen then perhaps all would make more sense but I do not and cannot and it does not. Rage reasserts itself and floods wash over me but I breathe deeply and do not forget salvation this time, only the pain remains. The fire. The change. The birth. The escape. The life. The answer. You. Not me. You.

Can I?
Can I take a moment now to just sit and shout?
Can I take some time to just let it out?
All the days you’ve caused me to lose them so,
Every moment you stripped from me and now I know.
Pain I see before my ways,
Now you’re gone and now it’s time to pay.
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
Can I take an hour to sit here and cry?
Can I take my life to let it go and not ask why?
Every ounce of strength inside is ready to explode
Now is the time to race and run the perilous road.
Mountains to climb, oceans to swim and fights to win
Every last breath to the fullest – I’m never giving in.
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
Within my reach I extend my hand
All of my love – never a demand
Tore a hole in my soul but here I stand
Power, glory and joy before me – don’t know when I’ll land
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
All these scars, they make me strong
You’re finally gone, now I can sing this song.

And I Know

Home in you I lay it down, giving all – its yours.
Here I am I sacrifice and bow my will to yours
And I know its all you
I know everything is true
Nothing I can say or do
You forgive and I’m made new
Life in yours I lift it up, knowing you drank the cup
Here I am I worship you, you’re glorious in all you do
And I know its all you
I know everything is true
Nothing I can say or do
You forgive and I’m made new
Joy is found in your presence, Lord
A smile that grows
A way I walk that’s not my own
But now a love that shows
In your arms I’ve found my way, no price to pay, no words to say.
In your death I’m born again, no sin to serve, my peace through the pain…

FLOW (fall '03)

Approaching, onward, up and through that which would restrict freedom leads to a letting go and it becomes life. Spinning and turning, becoming more that a part of me, becoming everything. No longer in isolation, but one with something greater and more beautiful – a masterpiece of movement in this life. Every motion refined with nothing left to waste, as if breathing.

Such beauty to behold! Thoughts and preparation yielding such majesty that eyes cannot avert, and inside – somewhere deep in the soul – something awakens for the first time: a vision of the creator of this joy that brings tears. The world comes into place as each step is in rhythm with the sounds of the heavens. And as the final pirouette brings an end to the dance, a new day draws near, basking in the light and love of Christ.

Forgetting the Future

When I can’t go on

and seek to stop

I look no further

than my own past.

For if I were to

just jump from the tip

of my tongue and see

that the pain won’t last.

Looking for the Christ

restores all my hope.

Attempting to be a sheep

helps me pass the test.

Uscita (exit) (July 2004)
There it is, waiting for me. It looms gargantuan, open wide and ready to slam loudly shut from behind, exclaiming to everyone that it is finished. The eyes - clear and crystal - are fierce like the lion's and hurt like a wounded child's. There was no expectation, no justifiable reason, therefore absolutely no sense for all roads to lead to this dead and ironclad end. The fairy tale is a story of joy and wonder - it should never end in pain and screaming nightmares such as this. Only we're not asleep, we're not waking up from a figment of our imagination that doesn't require turning back the clock to undo. This reality is frozen in history and her face reveals that there is no summer to come that will melt this. A penalty too grand? No, it is just, only the crime did not yield a reward worth the loss before me now. To never see that smile just one more time, or to hear that perfectly luscious and repetitive heartbeat every night to help me fall asleep, or just even to know that you loved me with every last twitch of your soul. And it is gone. This is my last exit, and you will never let me in again.

Like a Rose (winter 1999)

From afar one sees only the blood red
appearing in the darkness.
Closer and closer I look, and the color pours forth
over the gloom and death surrounding it.
Is this true? Is the rose real? Shall I believe?
With confidence and assurance I trust, and then reach out
to touch but the color has already covered me.
I feel it burning, cleansing, and refining me
from the depths of my soul.
A joy that cannot be fathomed I discover at that moment,
and it does not leave.
It is then that I take hold of the rose and hold tight.
The incredible pain of each thorn is not enough to make me separate
from a pleasure that has graced me and sanctified me – saved me.
This is love, in which the sacrifice yields something so profound –
so real – that to lose it would kill me for all of eternity.

To be me (November 25, 2002)

The chaos surrounds me, swirling amidst that which I long to know, long to be, but cannot anymore. The old life gone but not forgotten, struggling to let go so more can be had – for it’s already given but not taken. But to take, more must be sacrificed – to discover who I am I can no longer be he who I am not.

I believe, but my unbelief traps me. I cry out but still am silent. I feel – unable to be completely healed from the past – but cannot find my way – though there is but one.

Just then everything changes again and I search but am not free of my bonds, a slave to my own fears but afraid to be free. My faith is not dying but I am – slowly, patiently, breathlessly. The responsibility of my life is mine – but completely Jesus’ all at once – for it is His path I attempt to walk, His spirit that restores my soul, His word that makes me do what I want when I don’t.
Soon I will awake to a life I want but is not yet mine. The future is near though the past hunts it without stopping. Now – right now – iron sharpens iron, wills yield slowly, truth seeps in through the cracks. The foundation is made wise, the hope in the unseen made stronger, and the fears fade. I will be what I am to be – a man after God’s own heart