"I surrender"

thanks Greg Wong for this photo. Made me laugh all day.


"You got me, I'll go back quietly"
"So what are you going to bluescreen me onto?"
"Look mister, I swear i didn't touch your wife!"
"Now, mom, is there really a need for a strip search?"
"Since when is having a nice hairdo such a crime?"
"Man, I knew I forgot to put on clothes today!"
"Up, up and away!!!!!!!!! Wait, where's my cape?"

Thanksgiving

mom, dad, dan

turkey and cranberry sauce on the other side of the world.

laughter

soccer

USC football

amazing and supportive friends across the globe

sunsets on the beach

doing what i'm meant to be doing right now

Jesus

the ability to think and reason logically

the ability to have fun and go crazy from time to time

music, singing, art: dance, poetry, writing, painting, photos

opportunities to love and serve

freedom

free will

hope

faith

love

family

taking risks like seeing the world and being rewarded with sheer amazement at seeing the encyclopedia before my very eyes.

finishing a journal gifted to me by my two great New Years newlywed friends

having had long talks with Kevin and Mark before I left

the book of Mark, Hosea, Daniel, the psalms, Galatians, Hebrews, Isaiah, Genesis, Exodus, Judges, Ruth, Esther, Revelations, etc.

getting to read Harry Potter in English over the Pacific, and having so many teachers of my new language

driving

winter on the equator

students who wonder where I am and worry when I will leave

soccer jerseys

purified water that is actually necessary

email

blogs

smiles

forgiveness

grace

a new day

sight, hearing, health

surprises

giglling

inspiring movies

contentment and satisfaction

adventure

dreams

life

bali beach

unscripted unrehearsed

don't you ever just wonder what it's like to type and not look back or think and wonder where in the world you are and why everyone seems to have forgotten you except all your new friends who don't and won't and can't understand you because your old life doesn't belong in the new one and they think different thoughts and see different things about you that even you can't believe? i sit and stare and pray and hope and dream and answer questions about life that they can't even fathom: a jewish father and catholic mother and a path devoted to the messiah that has taught understanding and world view that they can't even conceive because they're so absolutely opposed to any truth than what they've been ordered to believe. and even my mom is quite the same and doesn't want to consider that god is more that the words a priest speaks and though she works to love i see the fear and despair in her life that just shouldn't be. and my dad doesn't care. and my brother doesn't want to invest in this freedom that i have and it is all about choice. but my students choose to not choose apparently because palestine is a land of ishmael and not isaac even though its the land of abraham. facts not fiction must be known. foolish anger and sudden questioning and revealed is my truth before them all and now i wonder what ramifications will appear. and truly i don't care because, well, i just don't. truth is truth. i have studied truth for twenty years and been applauded and condemned every single time. I know both sides of the story and so see the deeper truth: the path of peace and love and sacrifice that is SO much harder than anger and hate and pride and obtusity. my voice echoes in outer space and my screams die in silence. perhaps so too will i but my friends love me and so does god and so i love them and all and even those who would be my enemies. circles of life end in death. perhaps it is time to look past all the fears and all the mortgages and debts and clothes and cars and the way we are taught to live and instead live the way we are supposed to live in truth: one that will require great sacrifice but be rewarded 10, 20, or even a hundredfold; and maybe not here but in the time to come. Blessed are the poor, the weak, the oppressed, the hungry, the needy, the lonely - they will be comforted by the almighty and all loving creator of the universe itself who lives and breathes and even dies for those he loves if they would just stinking figure it out and believe and live. even if it means they die soon. hey, we all die eventually.

a tribute to Rosa Parks

Refusal

Again and again I come around to the question – why does no one accept me just as I am? why must I succumb and become less than I am because others do not – cannot – see? No, it should not be this way. I will fight. Here I will remain – sitting for all to see because I am so tired.
Humiliated day after day by people who just do not understand my sufferings, can’t comprehend much of anything really. They have no want to understand or even follow the truth and righteousness they so boldly claim to believe.
Unable to shed a tear for my captors, unable to succumb to the evils that cover this land and seek to dominate my life.
I REFUSE. DO YOU HEAR ME? I refuse to accept less than I deserve. I refuse to be less than who I am. and though I might do so alone, and though I may die, I REFUSE.
You hear nothing else, perhaps now you will finally be able to hear and see your own evil reflection.

deja vu

SOMETIMES
Once in a while I look out upon the open sea and wonder where it might carry me to. So powerful, so clear, and so full of grace is its power that can crush, or can yield a rebirth.
As my feet settle into the sweet fine sand I sink into what I can only hope is the end of my journey – but alas it is not to be so for the current beckons me in to see and discover deeper truth and meaning that lies hidden beneath its glass ceiling.
Drawing deep into my lungs I dive and open my eyes for the first time upon a new heaven filled with such color and wonder that it is clear in my own life that treasures are so guarded.
And sometimes I wonder if someone else out there will walk into my ocean and see the riches that lie beneath.

BLIND
Blind to the love that would have me, am I deaf too?
Why do I not hear – why refuse to see?
This mirror casts shadows, doubt; rage; I am so without.
Clawing at scars that will not burn away,
unable to forget every word and each day
they spoke and shamed and made me believe
I did not deserve to live; rather is was not worth it.
My eyes are open but I am tired of this truth.
I am exhausted by the futile attempts
to look in her eyes and see something
besides emptiness and no love.
I want to finally see in her eyes
joy and passion and love and desire.
But I can’t. Not because I’m blind,
but because she is.

WRETCHED
There must be nothing inside of me that others see. None want, and so I fail. Darkness, humiliation… time and again. Downward spiral. What hope? Why should I bother? An ugly prince is still clearly ugly. Beauty never loves the beast. Shame. Constant and more often that the tide in its rising. Valiant warriors full of courage are never alone. So I must not be valiant or courageous. I see so much of the inside, but none are ever able to see past this abhorrent shell. Scars run deeper still and will never heal until death itself decays them. Pain. Who would dare share in such as this? Arrogant – there is nothing in another love that compares to the suffering of a martyr – still the complaints pour out of this mouth. Wretched. Despicable. Nothing. And so there is nothing inside of me that is worth anyone seeing.

CANNOT SETTLE
Again and again I remain in torment for I am despised and rejected by those I want – I am alone. Alone.
Permanence resounds like the slamming of a cold steel cell door. Imprisoned within this you are with me and lone are my partner, my solace, my light and my way. Anything less is unacceptable. Unable. Would I be with another I could not give all of myself too? Surely not.
But my knuckles are red and bloody. My arms and neck ache. My spirit sags and there is nothing but this cold space in which I cannot breathe and yet still am not permitted to die.
I want everything. I cannot succumb to less for it is less. The secrets inside of me deserve to be unlocked so greater depths can be revealed.
I am alone, but not.
I cannot settle. Can not.