deja vu

SOMETIMES
Once in a while I look out upon the open sea and wonder where it might carry me to. So powerful, so clear, and so full of grace is its power that can crush, or can yield a rebirth.
As my feet settle into the sweet fine sand I sink into what I can only hope is the end of my journey – but alas it is not to be so for the current beckons me in to see and discover deeper truth and meaning that lies hidden beneath its glass ceiling.
Drawing deep into my lungs I dive and open my eyes for the first time upon a new heaven filled with such color and wonder that it is clear in my own life that treasures are so guarded.
And sometimes I wonder if someone else out there will walk into my ocean and see the riches that lie beneath.

BLIND
Blind to the love that would have me, am I deaf too?
Why do I not hear – why refuse to see?
This mirror casts shadows, doubt; rage; I am so without.
Clawing at scars that will not burn away,
unable to forget every word and each day
they spoke and shamed and made me believe
I did not deserve to live; rather is was not worth it.
My eyes are open but I am tired of this truth.
I am exhausted by the futile attempts
to look in her eyes and see something
besides emptiness and no love.
I want to finally see in her eyes
joy and passion and love and desire.
But I can’t. Not because I’m blind,
but because she is.

WRETCHED
There must be nothing inside of me that others see. None want, and so I fail. Darkness, humiliation… time and again. Downward spiral. What hope? Why should I bother? An ugly prince is still clearly ugly. Beauty never loves the beast. Shame. Constant and more often that the tide in its rising. Valiant warriors full of courage are never alone. So I must not be valiant or courageous. I see so much of the inside, but none are ever able to see past this abhorrent shell. Scars run deeper still and will never heal until death itself decays them. Pain. Who would dare share in such as this? Arrogant – there is nothing in another love that compares to the suffering of a martyr – still the complaints pour out of this mouth. Wretched. Despicable. Nothing. And so there is nothing inside of me that is worth anyone seeing.

CANNOT SETTLE
Again and again I remain in torment for I am despised and rejected by those I want – I am alone. Alone.
Permanence resounds like the slamming of a cold steel cell door. Imprisoned within this you are with me and lone are my partner, my solace, my light and my way. Anything less is unacceptable. Unable. Would I be with another I could not give all of myself too? Surely not.
But my knuckles are red and bloody. My arms and neck ache. My spirit sags and there is nothing but this cold space in which I cannot breathe and yet still am not permitted to die.
I want everything. I cannot succumb to less for it is less. The secrets inside of me deserve to be unlocked so greater depths can be revealed.
I am alone, but not.
I cannot settle. Can not.