Where? What? Huh???

3.5 weeks. No "Hello Mr."'s. Checked off the list. :-)

Penang
[coming soon]
Bangkok

Phuket

Kuala Lumpur

Bali

Malang

Bad medicine?

Expired drugs story?
To be fair, if the doctors here knew how to use them all, AND they didn't sit around for long periods of time, AND if was noted that correct meds were prescribed hand over fist to very injured and sick people post-tsunami it might be an objective article.

IndoLaken

Ever been to InterLaken (spell) in Switzerland?
800 meters up, pretty lake (just one, sorry), and a nice chill is a sublime change of pace from 100 degrees and humidity percentage

Champions of the World

ITALIA!
ITALIA!
ITALIA!

4:30 AM

Early in the morning here, I witnessed an astounding display of passion and excitement for a country 1/3 of the world away. When Italy scored a goal after 119 minutes of tension, drama, and potential make or break moments, every single one of us (at least) 1000 people - who had watched on a huge (30’x40’) screen - jumped up and screamed with excitement and joy because it was just one of those moments where you do exactly that.

4th of July beach BBQ

Steak, burgers, deviled eggs, potato salad, and watermelon... Mmmmmmmmm...
All with an excellent view!

quarters

Argentina vs. Germany
Italy vs. Ukraine
-----------------
Brazil vs. France
England vs. Portugal

I don't think anyone thought Ukraine would be further
along than Spain
at this point. I know I didn't. Let's see how
unbiased the refs are
when Argentina takes on the home team. But all I'm
hoping for at this
point is better football. (and for Brazil to beat
Italy in the final)

I'm 1/2 Italian (Azzurri)

that's why. But if Italy and Brazil keep playing with all cylinders misfiring like they have I don't think I'll be smiling for long...

I love my mother

and am now officially only rooting for another Italy-Brazil final (same as 1994)

the possibilities

Group order:
1. 4 points, Italy +2 Goal differential
2. 3 points, Czech Republic +1
3. 3 points, Ghana +0
4. 1 point, USA -3

IF Italy beats the Czech Republic, and the USA beats Ghana, the USA advances
IF the Czech Republic draws Italy, and USA beats Ghana 5-0, the USA advances.
IF the Czech Republic beats Italy 3-0, and USA beats Ghana 3-0, the USA advances.
Actually, that's it, the USA MUST win, and so must Italy. Any other option requires... Dr. Plum in the Library with the Candlestick?

DEMAND

Water and sand,
warmth hand in hand,
life and time beyond demand,
firm sturdy rock to stand.
Laughter echoing empty mosque walls,
tears hiding inside hollow false balls,
long and broken shadowy halls,
private sins which lead to great falls.
Trees and sun,
not three but one,
together victory won,
burdens light though a ton.
Rocks and ice,
fried noodles and fried rice,
unending maze of ropes requiring mice,
a drug that is simply dubbed a spice.
Sadness and pain,
unwashed by acid rain,
corruption an unblemished stain,
can't wait to leave again.
Words and not lies,
truth and not size,
longing for deep eyes,
all trapped inside the world dies.
Freedom a step away,
knowledge on public display,
but fear requires many to stay.
Too bad, goodbye I say.
Water and sand,
holding the hand,
my life your demand,
together we shall stand.

KNOCKING

Prayers long cried,
everyday I tried,
searching - never lied.
Why? Why denied?

Moments captured in light,
darkness every night,
so often wrong, but somehow right,
once blind, now possessing sight.

A solid bet,
desires unmet,
not in store to get,
not dead yet.

Worlds I don't belong,
can't sing the song,
the choice not wrong,
trust still somehow strong.

Return unto me,
the hope that set me free,
the fire that helps me see,
the memory of nails, blood and a tree.

I see you.
You are true.
The door I enter through.
Before time you knew.

latest wc thoughts

Germany and Ecuador are through (goodbye Poland and Costa Rica)
Holland and Argentina (sayonara Serbia&Montenegro y Cote d'Ivoire)
    *funny, but here in Indo Ivory Coast is literally called Beach Tusk...
The U.S. MUST beat Italy.  Yeah, right.  And 'we' need Ghana to beat the Czechs.  I'm hearing empty hallways and crickets chirping.
England got through - if Rooney doesn't break his foot and they don't waste another 478 opportunities passing to Crouch (resulting in 1 (one) goal) then they could be a dangerous team.  Oh, except Lampard missed all 7 of his shots by a wide margin too.  Hope he's using a little extra practice time on that this week.

Oh, I'm trying to be nice, but the U.S. looked lost.  If they get it together against Italy, and Ghana wins, then each team has 3 points and then every team who wins their last match controls their destiny.  But, as I thought at the outset, if the Czechs are on (which they are) then they and Italy take the group. 

Brazil tomorrow - they need to shine.  Right now Argentina, Spain, Czech and Brazil are my semi's, with Italy, England, Germany (home team advantage) and Holland my quarters.  Of course, depending on match-ups after the 3rd game I'll break it down how it should/could/won't actually turn out.

in case you were wondering...

2006 06 15 006
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

... why I picked yellow, green and blue for my blog colors... (Brasilia)

and not so world cup news

On the pitch
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

what happens when foreigners from around the world get together on one team? International relations, that's what.

Playing with the big guns

Playing with the big guns
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

er... i mean... don't play with guns, kids!

the world cup so far

Germany scored a lot, and had two defensive lapses that the opponent pounced on. Not a good sign, necessarily.
England, Sweden, Portugal... all playing uninspired so far.
Argentina looked good against a tough looking Ivory Coast team. Holland better be ready for them.
Australia got 3 goals in the last 7 minutes against Japan. Unbelievable. If they get it going early this team has a lot of heart and a lot of defensive prowess.
Guus Hiddink can coach. Watch out for Russia for the next 4 years.
The U.S. was no match for the Czechs. As feared they played healthy and dominated the skill side of the ball. The U.S. is athletic, good at possession, but lacks the one or two top notch stars that a team needs and opponents fear. Italy, Brazil, England, Spain, Czech, Germany, Portugal, Argentina and Holland all have them. Without you can go pretty far, but never reach the top of the mountain. Rare air.

Brazil looked beatable, but they also looked bored. Italy was solid. Korea has a spark of electricity in their play. I'm only watching Spain vs. Ukraine tonight. Apparently my dad's father was from the Kiev area, so you know who I'm rooting for in that one (and thankfully it's the early game)... and... wow. Spain is to Ukraine as the Czech Republic is to America. I can only hope that second place in each group is available... wow. 4-0 Spain.

1.5 months

since I last wrote a poem...

COMPLICATED
Flowers so delicate, there are none to call your own.
Floating in the world, unimagined colors unrestrained to shower the world in radiated beauty to enliven and entertain - to draw hopes and dreams nearer, forcing the unfathomable deeper into hidden darkness.
Cusping on a wisp of smoke, the echoes shudder in the frozen air, crackling and shining, mirrored reflections dancing in unimagined eyes still crystal blue from the life trapped beneath ice, drowning in deadly waters so pure and so true, numbing everything beyond the point of pain.
Sounds of laughter distant memories that resound as loud as the beating heart that begins to slow - for the end always comes. Dark clouds shape, but it is the thunder and lightning that release the storms that wash away the errors, but leave also the remembered aches and pains not so easily dulled - for fear is not brushed away like a butterfly and its magical ceaseless flapping. No, nothing is ever quite as believed, all is more that what is easily seen.

my domino theory

create your own visited country map




create your personalized map of europe




create your own personalized map of the USA

*Blue

Blue
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

My moto has a first name, its B-L-U-E-!

Ah, reminiscence for those in the know.

*Meet my trusty motorcycle. She has 100cc and great gas mileage. No, with 100kg to lug around she cannot go very fast. Just like me.

North shore sunset hour

2006 05 04 062
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

I've got a couple pretty shots up on flickr.com
my login is kjshoemaker, as if you couldn't guess so as to find the rest of my pics. I'll try to find a link. But, hey, you all are pretty smart. But i've got pretty beaches AND warm ocean water...


***EDIT: apparently if you click on the photo it will take you right to the rest of my pictures at flickr.com. YEAH!!!

"I" (pronounced like the letter 'e')

DSC00130
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

Your friendly reporter, live (ok, 2 months ago) from vacation in Brazil (on the border, but still technically Brazil here) at the world famous Iguacu Falls.
Interestingly, the word is really just Iguacu. Why, because "I" (pronounced like the letter 'e') means water.
Why is this interesting? Because the word for water in the spot in Indonesia I work in is, yup - you guessed it, "I" (pronounced like the letter 'e')

Patience and expectations

Motorcycles whiz by, each expecting the other to slow down.
Driving carefully, big and white, surely looking like a clown.
All expect the other to stop and wait, confident they don't want to die,
but none realize that the other thinks it too, so really they believe a lie.
Waiting for things that are better than good,
waiting for things sometimes misunderstood,
waiting for the time when I am who I am,
waiting patiently, eating grass, stupid little lamb.
I cannot wait but must,
counter-intuitively I trust,
knowing mistakes made do not end,
knowing some messages I am not ready to send,
knowing it is only my will that must not break but bend,
knowing that I'll live longer and wiser if I wait and follow rules I too recommend.

rainbows

DSC00248
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

are quite beautiful, don't you think?

on the boat

DSC00235
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

Easter poetry

Dinner with friends
Drink and eat, for you must soon understand
that the order from my father is one final demand.
Soon we shall part, and then with a start
you'll cry, and mourn, but you must take heart.
Washing you now – know you are clean –
for a savior you know – it’s him you have seen.
Do as the teacher shows, no servant is greater,
so do not disobey now or sooner or even later.
This body will break – for you it must.
This blood a covenant bond you shall trust.
Go – ignoring the hate – it is the same;
I know it well, such is the price of this fame.
I am the way; I’m the truth and the life,
and though you may not get it now, you are my wife.

Gardens at night
Tears flowing like blood,
sorrow sinking like mud,
purpose sure,
loving life pure.
Giving all for life,
fearful of such strife,
not quite ready for the knife,
agape for chosen wife.
Another could do this, not true?
Why not another, why me and you?
Do not abandon, won’t survive if you do.
Almost ready to be unleashed to the zoo.
All this must happen, musn’t it?
My friends won’t survive the bottomless pit.
Remind them to not turn back or wait and sit;
make their hearts pure, minds sound, and spirits fit.
So much awaits, but the end so daunts;
what nightmares I’ve had, a vision that haunts.
Soon ears will hear reckless and vicious taunts;
but no reply will they receive – though it is one of their wants.
Rising, lights awaken me to the end,
they come to take me, men for whom I did not send.
This evil, from a brother who I knew upon not to depend,
for such is the vision I know of lambs I would tend.
Chains and beatings begin,
the kiss to seal the sin,
a battle they cannot win.
Ready as I’ll ever be, I am in.

Friday, before dawn
Cursed and condemned by those who think they know,
betrayed by a brother, now the rest don’t even show –
another denying three times before turning to go,
a world drowned in madness, ruled by an evil shadow.
But all are cast by a reflection inside.
All listen not to the father, bit opinions far and wide.
But no force can turn back the coming tide,
and it is for this that innocence will have died.
The keys lie far below, eyes see now true.
The pain must be suffered, and done so for you.
The burden is mine and has always been;
this is the cost of life, the wage for sin.
Do not forget to reopen the door.
In three days you’ll see what was in store.
Comprehension will arrive that night,
And then you can choose to follow what is wrong or what is right.

Morning sickness (Friday after dawn)
Thirty-nine cattails.
Bleeding crown of thorns.
Fist upon fist to face, side and below.
Kicks to the groin, the nightmare still to go.
Lies and screams.
Spit and beams.
Torn wounds from skin dried and peeled.
Ground into sand and dust and mud and steel.
Strength destroyed.
Lungs no longer buoyed.
Commanded to walk,
but unable to talk.
Endless despair,
sweat profuse from mangled hair.
God, I want to die,
But first I must be raised on high.

Carrying the cross
Endless weight, the race to be run.
All has been stripped away; I am finished – I am done.
Fallen – again, orders to a man to help me, to finish.
Thirst and hunger nothing compared to pain mothers do not wish;
everything fails – the hill too steep.
Suddenly upon it I long to weep.
Laid down to rest, a pull to the side, AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHH! NO, PLEASE, STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raised up for all to see. Naked. Can’t breathe. Father forgive them.
The know not what they do. Into your hands I submit my spirit.
It is finished.

Saturday
Just another day in the pits of hell.
Man it’s hot, and – oh! – the smell!
If I had ice, I’d surely sell,
but I’m out of here tomorrow; just as well.

Risen
Doors opened. Nothing remains. Not robbed, just… gone.
Vanished as promised, but forgetful followers weep needlessly.
Memories run short, fears rise, promises seem to disappear.
Old lives renewed, old habits not quite dead,
hearts that fail, three years of sweat and tears like smoke.
Taking flight the journeys lead them right back to him.
He is the one – the only one – the coming king,
the beginning and the end;
he who must be named to the gatekeeper for admittance.
He is the sacrificial lamb, whose pure blood lines were pure,
whose true heart was true,
whose loving spirit was love,
and whose life was for all but his own.
Risen as he promised he must be.
Risen as the prophets foretold.
Risen as God may not remain in any box.
He is risen.
Seek ye first his kingdom.
Honor and prostrate yourself before him and no other.
His judgment is fair and true and full of grace.
And he shall judge.
His blood was required.
And so it was paid.
The sacrifice.
In debt to him.
Gladly done, through unbearable pain.
He never lied.
He is risen indeed.

riding on the back of a motorcycle

Have you ever ridden on the back of a motorcycle and shut your eyes? The feeling is so eerie - I was at the complete mercy of the driver's will. The wind and the sounds... I FELT the cars and other motorcycles around me. It is a silent helplessness that I can't quite describe, only somehow I think I feel it all the time when I travel. It's like I'm being led around sometimes into really cool adventures, but... it's still scary, you know?
But I just have to learn to trust the driver.

Me and my shadow

Playing in Foz de Iguacu

or Iguacu Falls (amazing, btw) at the corner or Brazil, Argentina & Paraguay

Behind these hazel eyes

Forward again, a world that spins and cycles fast, dreams that never fade, and no time to breathe. Thoughts endless and wondering and traveling from everywhere across the world, never knowing what is happening - friends dying, loves disappeared, decisions right, pain and sadness drunk with joy and gladness. A world left to see - worlds left behind; full in life but throttle full forward to the wall approaching... no turning back - the screams are mine in delight and dismay; brown eyes open big and behind them lies truth that many fear. See? It is their screams and not mine. It is their fears, but it is my burden. Cast aside and shared, but the aches are not forgotten. Still it is the happiness I sing that my friends hear and know deep inside.

i love this stuff

you have got to read this:
http://independent-bangladesh.com/news/jan/14/14012006ed.htm#A6

then again, did THAT happen too?

breaking apart into tears i cannot cry, tears that make me fly, joy that cannot bear, and a life that is but isn't fair. Love that burns and moves and shakes, love that breathes, and lives and quakes. truth that rings and hands that hold, grips let loose as life continues to unfold. prayer and blessing that make us move on, a hope in the true god, his spirit, his son. trembling now i must hold back, this dam shall not break, this rope shall not slack. strength not from within but above, strength that is more glorious and powerful than any because it is love. she made me see, she made me believe, she proved what you said; now i know, now i trust, now perhaps i have fully risen from the dead. these ashes that scattered are not mine i know, because the sweet fragrance is heavenly and fills me with glow. dreams that magnify to the journey i follow, a smile that will never frown now - it shall always show. thank you thank you thank you and know that you have been a gift. though none but me may understand, between us was never a rift. restored now into wholeness and life, I won't say what rhymes with this, but, you know, you know, don't you, goodbye and sweet dreams - good night!

ok, I can talk about this now

sadness may linger, but pain in humility that focuses into humble power becomes a greatness that can not be stripped away

Please see this amazing article by a father which I think is just really cool in the aftermath of a sad but true USC loss to Texas, who played an amazing game. And by that I mean Vince Young:

http://usc.scout.com/2/486987.html

DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN?

the beautiful game

soccer news:
Who will win:

WORLD CUP 2006

BRAZIL

5 Stars (1958, 1962, 1970, 1994, 2002) for 5 titles...

After Germany,
Where will they put the sixth star???

It's such a pretty jersey





La Liga (Spanish League)
BARCELONA
(one of my favorite cities in the world)

2 weeks here will likely change your life. The architecture, the food, the beaches, the mountains, the people...
It is such a beautiful city and I hope to return one day to visit


and... who won't win:
WORLD CUP 2006
(but I hope they do REALLY WELL! If they could win the group and avoid Brazil they have a shot to go far!) USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!


Serie A (Italian League)
A.S. ROMA
(one of my other favorite cities in the world)

Quake, Sue & Nami

EARTHQUAKE & TSUNAMI INFO LINK TO THIS
Do you remember where you were on Dec. 26, 2004? Cause it was Christmas night in America...

Welcome: 2006

it's been a different sort of year

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

"The choice between what is right, and what is easy."
Fire. Swords. Grief and sadness. Separated if only by an inch from madness.
Fear. Lies. Torments that once again rise. The difference between what I want and what my destiny is.
Right. Wrong. Knowing a challenge but choosing hidden shame.
None can see what was not done for another will stand in the place where wars had to be won.
A life worth living, a cause worth sacrificing and dying for - a love which must and always has been.
A choice. A vision. A dream. Costs counted and the prize now in sight.
Armor at ready. Strength and courage summoned from a spirit more holy and pure. Since the dawn of time, since freedom was born, since truth is.

"It's all going to change now, isn't it?"
Everything once known has now passed on to the next. The life once lived has faded into dreams where joys once commonly known have been replaced by far surpassing joys mingled with greater sufferings.
Former fires have shifted to new homes and worlds where new everythings are learned so that new heights might be scaled.
There is no time to look back in regret anymore. There is no chance to change what has been done. Advancing upon new treasures of clay and soul, new lights and lives, new wonders to explore and become.
Missing that which I love, but not missing out on that which is beloved. Purifying and forging new blades that cut deeper to free souls from the boundaries which imprison. It all has to change, and it must start right now.

"The Edge of Tears"
Seeing action, sacrifice, living, dying, here I sit and stare wondering if I shall beware or dare to care for something greater still. My hope in the greatest of all things but a tear springs and glistens in a shining sun beneath a cloudless sky that bids me farewell.
Pain and joy ringing in ears that sear with echoes of lives fading into the mist, drowning in waters that I cannot save them from. Heartbeats pulsing to the quick before finally halting beneath black waves.
Sudden is the sadness that knows no such grief yet cannot help but be broken and unable to cope right alongside with those so capable.
This dance is everlasting and I am never so alone. Though none may ever truly understand still I pray that some may want to, that some would envelope my suffering in their souls and imagine in their minds eye and so too weep with me for the loves lost and the friends buried and the enemies who but killed themselves upon their own sword and anger and lies.
Captive to such a prison these shackles do not hold me for the golden key possessed washes red clean over me into an abyss of life that sings under stars shining so bright even the blind could see if bothered to look. Still turning away my smile comes with a heavy price that carries me to far off lands and burdens requiring time to release.
These tears I cry are real, and dearly, though strong might I be, on the verge of salty oceans I always am.

The Night Before

Two days before Christmas and all through the land every creature is stirring - each with their own demands; some want peace, and others want money; still there are those who seek power, and fame, a few just glory. But more than all these there is a cry, a shout, for the one thing all of us want, what we can't do without.
Before the dawn of time and all things came to be there was truth, and spirit, a power that created all we see. There was a cost, though, for all that was done; you see, evil came to be, and its champion believed he had won.
But the author knew better. His right hand was strong, and he had a plan - in fact, there was one ready all along.
So, many years later, when the clock struck right, there came a savior to this world, one whose words were pure like light!
Love arrived, in a package few were aware, but this love came to sacrifice out of choice - not a dare. He lived perfect, and died the same, and love forgave his enemies - evil's champion lost the game.
Now the land still cries and shouts, but love has come, and we must acknowledge without doubt. To so so we must act, we must no longer lie; we must give, and help, and serve, and so love.
Sometimes, we must die.

FOLLOW ME

I will take you everywhere and anywhere - just follow me; you'll see: what your heart desires is to be free and full and happy. Doubt not that for the rest of my days I will strive to make this happen - just follow me; I will never hurt you or lead you astray. I will never for an instant forget you or lose sight of how precious you are to me. Follow me and we will discover your destiny together, no matter where... everywhere. Follow me, can't you see? i live to see your smiles and hear your laughter and know you more. Without you I will - I must - go on, but will search for you until it is too late. So follow me. Follow me and I shall not fail you, for this love is a gift for you. I love you. Can't you see? Please, follow me.

"I surrender"

thanks Greg Wong for this photo. Made me laugh all day.


"You got me, I'll go back quietly"
"So what are you going to bluescreen me onto?"
"Look mister, I swear i didn't touch your wife!"
"Now, mom, is there really a need for a strip search?"
"Since when is having a nice hairdo such a crime?"
"Man, I knew I forgot to put on clothes today!"
"Up, up and away!!!!!!!!! Wait, where's my cape?"

Thanksgiving

mom, dad, dan

turkey and cranberry sauce on the other side of the world.

laughter

soccer

USC football

amazing and supportive friends across the globe

sunsets on the beach

doing what i'm meant to be doing right now

Jesus

the ability to think and reason logically

the ability to have fun and go crazy from time to time

music, singing, art: dance, poetry, writing, painting, photos

opportunities to love and serve

freedom

free will

hope

faith

love

family

taking risks like seeing the world and being rewarded with sheer amazement at seeing the encyclopedia before my very eyes.

finishing a journal gifted to me by my two great New Years newlywed friends

having had long talks with Kevin and Mark before I left

the book of Mark, Hosea, Daniel, the psalms, Galatians, Hebrews, Isaiah, Genesis, Exodus, Judges, Ruth, Esther, Revelations, etc.

getting to read Harry Potter in English over the Pacific, and having so many teachers of my new language

driving

winter on the equator

students who wonder where I am and worry when I will leave

soccer jerseys

purified water that is actually necessary

email

blogs

smiles

forgiveness

grace

a new day

sight, hearing, health

surprises

giglling

inspiring movies

contentment and satisfaction

adventure

dreams

life

bali beach

unscripted unrehearsed

don't you ever just wonder what it's like to type and not look back or think and wonder where in the world you are and why everyone seems to have forgotten you except all your new friends who don't and won't and can't understand you because your old life doesn't belong in the new one and they think different thoughts and see different things about you that even you can't believe? i sit and stare and pray and hope and dream and answer questions about life that they can't even fathom: a jewish father and catholic mother and a path devoted to the messiah that has taught understanding and world view that they can't even conceive because they're so absolutely opposed to any truth than what they've been ordered to believe. and even my mom is quite the same and doesn't want to consider that god is more that the words a priest speaks and though she works to love i see the fear and despair in her life that just shouldn't be. and my dad doesn't care. and my brother doesn't want to invest in this freedom that i have and it is all about choice. but my students choose to not choose apparently because palestine is a land of ishmael and not isaac even though its the land of abraham. facts not fiction must be known. foolish anger and sudden questioning and revealed is my truth before them all and now i wonder what ramifications will appear. and truly i don't care because, well, i just don't. truth is truth. i have studied truth for twenty years and been applauded and condemned every single time. I know both sides of the story and so see the deeper truth: the path of peace and love and sacrifice that is SO much harder than anger and hate and pride and obtusity. my voice echoes in outer space and my screams die in silence. perhaps so too will i but my friends love me and so does god and so i love them and all and even those who would be my enemies. circles of life end in death. perhaps it is time to look past all the fears and all the mortgages and debts and clothes and cars and the way we are taught to live and instead live the way we are supposed to live in truth: one that will require great sacrifice but be rewarded 10, 20, or even a hundredfold; and maybe not here but in the time to come. Blessed are the poor, the weak, the oppressed, the hungry, the needy, the lonely - they will be comforted by the almighty and all loving creator of the universe itself who lives and breathes and even dies for those he loves if they would just stinking figure it out and believe and live. even if it means they die soon. hey, we all die eventually.

a tribute to Rosa Parks

Refusal

Again and again I come around to the question – why does no one accept me just as I am? why must I succumb and become less than I am because others do not – cannot – see? No, it should not be this way. I will fight. Here I will remain – sitting for all to see because I am so tired.
Humiliated day after day by people who just do not understand my sufferings, can’t comprehend much of anything really. They have no want to understand or even follow the truth and righteousness they so boldly claim to believe.
Unable to shed a tear for my captors, unable to succumb to the evils that cover this land and seek to dominate my life.
I REFUSE. DO YOU HEAR ME? I refuse to accept less than I deserve. I refuse to be less than who I am. and though I might do so alone, and though I may die, I REFUSE.
You hear nothing else, perhaps now you will finally be able to hear and see your own evil reflection.

deja vu

SOMETIMES
Once in a while I look out upon the open sea and wonder where it might carry me to. So powerful, so clear, and so full of grace is its power that can crush, or can yield a rebirth.
As my feet settle into the sweet fine sand I sink into what I can only hope is the end of my journey – but alas it is not to be so for the current beckons me in to see and discover deeper truth and meaning that lies hidden beneath its glass ceiling.
Drawing deep into my lungs I dive and open my eyes for the first time upon a new heaven filled with such color and wonder that it is clear in my own life that treasures are so guarded.
And sometimes I wonder if someone else out there will walk into my ocean and see the riches that lie beneath.

BLIND
Blind to the love that would have me, am I deaf too?
Why do I not hear – why refuse to see?
This mirror casts shadows, doubt; rage; I am so without.
Clawing at scars that will not burn away,
unable to forget every word and each day
they spoke and shamed and made me believe
I did not deserve to live; rather is was not worth it.
My eyes are open but I am tired of this truth.
I am exhausted by the futile attempts
to look in her eyes and see something
besides emptiness and no love.
I want to finally see in her eyes
joy and passion and love and desire.
But I can’t. Not because I’m blind,
but because she is.

WRETCHED
There must be nothing inside of me that others see. None want, and so I fail. Darkness, humiliation… time and again. Downward spiral. What hope? Why should I bother? An ugly prince is still clearly ugly. Beauty never loves the beast. Shame. Constant and more often that the tide in its rising. Valiant warriors full of courage are never alone. So I must not be valiant or courageous. I see so much of the inside, but none are ever able to see past this abhorrent shell. Scars run deeper still and will never heal until death itself decays them. Pain. Who would dare share in such as this? Arrogant – there is nothing in another love that compares to the suffering of a martyr – still the complaints pour out of this mouth. Wretched. Despicable. Nothing. And so there is nothing inside of me that is worth anyone seeing.

CANNOT SETTLE
Again and again I remain in torment for I am despised and rejected by those I want – I am alone. Alone.
Permanence resounds like the slamming of a cold steel cell door. Imprisoned within this you are with me and lone are my partner, my solace, my light and my way. Anything less is unacceptable. Unable. Would I be with another I could not give all of myself too? Surely not.
But my knuckles are red and bloody. My arms and neck ache. My spirit sags and there is nothing but this cold space in which I cannot breathe and yet still am not permitted to die.
I want everything. I cannot succumb to less for it is less. The secrets inside of me deserve to be unlocked so greater depths can be revealed.
I am alone, but not.
I cannot settle. Can not.

Another advantage of being a man

is that I don't get embarassed one iota that this happened!

Reality

TEARS
Will i not cry as thousands more die,
tears fall and i can do nothing,
doing everything i can in just one place.
still more fall, walls crumble and mud slides on top of fleeing souls that cry and shout and scream but die all the same.
Did they know? Did they believe? Did they have any peace as the darkness swallowed them whole, shaking the foundations of their existence?
What would i not do to aid now? would i not bleed and sacrifice more from my lofty existence to love and care for those that have less than nothing?
No longer can i bear to watch, for these rivers from my eyes prevent me. Now i too raise my voice and beg to discover what is next, for i will have no peace until others have drunk from the wellspring of the one true hope and love offered so gracefully.

~dedicated to those touched by the earthquake in Pakistan (Oct 13 edit: over 41,000), the mudslides in Guatemala (more than 200), the typhoons in India and Taiwan, the tsunami in Indonesia, Thailand, Somalia, India and Sri Lanka, and the hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico, the bombs in Bali, starvation and AIDS and murderous dictatorships across Africa, and to soldiers dying in Iraq.

Oldies but goodies

Standing Before You
Before you now I close my eyes,
tears run down, hypnotized
trembling I can’t stand for long
I stumble, choke – can’t sing this song
You were my rock, my hope, my dream
But now I’m lost, trapped within
A world that lies and kills for joy
A world despised will be destroyed
Home – I found my way back to you,
Praying you can’t see all
The nightmares I’ve been living through…
Now I wait to hear what you will do.
Before you now it all comes down to this,
I ran afraid – you made me feel,
I couldn’t trust what was real
I betrayed you with a last kiss.
So far I fell, I gave it all up,
All for nothing, now I live in hell.
I remembered you there, and here I came,
I’m still afraid, but I’m not the same.
Home – I found my way back to you,
Praying you can’t see all
The nightmares I’ve been living through…
Now I wait to hear what you will do.
And what you say I cannot comprehend –
Pure love and care – you want me to live!
Hold me in your arms, I am home.
Never ever again will I choose to roam…
Home – I found my way back to you,
You saw everything –
The horror and shame I went through…
And you said “welcome home,” “I love you.”
And standing before you now I am free
Becoming all I ever wanted to be
Believing the reflection you speak to me
It took so long, but I can finally see.

seek and find
Salt and sand cover nothing but a grave that washes over a life long pat but clearly unforgotten. Sill there is more than awareness that desire overwhelms the lessons believed in so deeply but now unacted upon. Surely chaos reigns and I do too much according to others until I run away and start anew. But not with you, or you, or you, but YOU. Only you are with me and I push all others so far away because I fear. I fear not only their touch but their depth. I want what I want but I will not take it from anyone. From you I cannot but from her – whoever she might yet be – I will not. You made this so. You turned me into who I am – a good but f'd up man. Still I run from all things, longing to be known and alone all at once where I am safe but fulfilled. Instead I endanger not only myself but all those around me I want to love with all my heart, mind, soul and strength too. If I could hear you and listen then perhaps all would make more sense but I do not and cannot and it does not. Rage reasserts itself and floods wash over me but I breathe deeply and do not forget salvation this time, only the pain remains. The fire. The change. The birth. The escape. The life. The answer. You. Not me. You.

Can I?
Can I take a moment now to just sit and shout?
Can I take some time to just let it out?
All the days you’ve caused me to lose them so,
Every moment you stripped from me and now I know.
Pain I see before my ways,
Now you’re gone and now it’s time to pay.
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
Can I take an hour to sit here and cry?
Can I take my life to let it go and not ask why?
Every ounce of strength inside is ready to explode
Now is the time to race and run the perilous road.
Mountains to climb, oceans to swim and fights to win
Every last breath to the fullest – I’m never giving in.
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
Within my reach I extend my hand
All of my love – never a demand
Tore a hole in my soul but here I stand
Power, glory and joy before me – don’t know when I’ll land
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
All these scars, they make me strong
You’re finally gone, now I can sing this song.

And I Know

Home in you I lay it down, giving all – its yours.
Here I am I sacrifice and bow my will to yours
And I know its all you
I know everything is true
Nothing I can say or do
You forgive and I’m made new
Life in yours I lift it up, knowing you drank the cup
Here I am I worship you, you’re glorious in all you do
And I know its all you
I know everything is true
Nothing I can say or do
You forgive and I’m made new
Joy is found in your presence, Lord
A smile that grows
A way I walk that’s not my own
But now a love that shows
In your arms I’ve found my way, no price to pay, no words to say.
In your death I’m born again, no sin to serve, my peace through the pain…

FLOW (fall '03)

Approaching, onward, up and through that which would restrict freedom leads to a letting go and it becomes life. Spinning and turning, becoming more that a part of me, becoming everything. No longer in isolation, but one with something greater and more beautiful – a masterpiece of movement in this life. Every motion refined with nothing left to waste, as if breathing.

Such beauty to behold! Thoughts and preparation yielding such majesty that eyes cannot avert, and inside – somewhere deep in the soul – something awakens for the first time: a vision of the creator of this joy that brings tears. The world comes into place as each step is in rhythm with the sounds of the heavens. And as the final pirouette brings an end to the dance, a new day draws near, basking in the light and love of Christ.

Forgetting the Future

When I can’t go on

and seek to stop

I look no further

than my own past.

For if I were to

just jump from the tip

of my tongue and see

that the pain won’t last.

Looking for the Christ

restores all my hope.

Attempting to be a sheep

helps me pass the test.

Uscita (exit) (July 2004)
There it is, waiting for me. It looms gargantuan, open wide and ready to slam loudly shut from behind, exclaiming to everyone that it is finished. The eyes - clear and crystal - are fierce like the lion's and hurt like a wounded child's. There was no expectation, no justifiable reason, therefore absolutely no sense for all roads to lead to this dead and ironclad end. The fairy tale is a story of joy and wonder - it should never end in pain and screaming nightmares such as this. Only we're not asleep, we're not waking up from a figment of our imagination that doesn't require turning back the clock to undo. This reality is frozen in history and her face reveals that there is no summer to come that will melt this. A penalty too grand? No, it is just, only the crime did not yield a reward worth the loss before me now. To never see that smile just one more time, or to hear that perfectly luscious and repetitive heartbeat every night to help me fall asleep, or just even to know that you loved me with every last twitch of your soul. And it is gone. This is my last exit, and you will never let me in again.

Like a Rose (winter 1999)

From afar one sees only the blood red
appearing in the darkness.
Closer and closer I look, and the color pours forth
over the gloom and death surrounding it.
Is this true? Is the rose real? Shall I believe?
With confidence and assurance I trust, and then reach out
to touch but the color has already covered me.
I feel it burning, cleansing, and refining me
from the depths of my soul.
A joy that cannot be fathomed I discover at that moment,
and it does not leave.
It is then that I take hold of the rose and hold tight.
The incredible pain of each thorn is not enough to make me separate
from a pleasure that has graced me and sanctified me – saved me.
This is love, in which the sacrifice yields something so profound –
so real – that to lose it would kill me for all of eternity.

To be me (November 25, 2002)

The chaos surrounds me, swirling amidst that which I long to know, long to be, but cannot anymore. The old life gone but not forgotten, struggling to let go so more can be had – for it’s already given but not taken. But to take, more must be sacrificed – to discover who I am I can no longer be he who I am not.

I believe, but my unbelief traps me. I cry out but still am silent. I feel – unable to be completely healed from the past – but cannot find my way – though there is but one.

Just then everything changes again and I search but am not free of my bonds, a slave to my own fears but afraid to be free. My faith is not dying but I am – slowly, patiently, breathlessly. The responsibility of my life is mine – but completely Jesus’ all at once – for it is His path I attempt to walk, His spirit that restores my soul, His word that makes me do what I want when I don’t.
Soon I will awake to a life I want but is not yet mine. The future is near though the past hunts it without stopping. Now – right now – iron sharpens iron, wills yield slowly, truth seeps in through the cracks. The foundation is made wise, the hope in the unseen made stronger, and the fears fade. I will be what I am to be – a man after God’s own heart

Saya tahu anda tahu saya tahu

(I know you know I know)

These words do not set me free,
everywhere I go and everything I see is nothing without you.

I need your touch.
I need your love.
I need your life.

Sad eyes, I cannot see anymore what I should do.
The aches and pains, these tears I cry, I am through.
I obey your laws but feel not your touch.
You promised if I did you’d give me that much.
I am willing and have I now no blame?
Still I’m speechless, in awe – you put me to shame.

The silence speaks to me,
I listened to lies – you set me free,
everything I am is you.

I know your touch.
I know your love.
I know your life.

And I know you know I know.

4 of a kind

Change my Heart

Nothing feared and hope left to spare, exhaustion overwhelms – you are too far from me. Not seeing that which captivates, forgetting your voice, losing grip of your touch. It matters more than anything but here I am, running again, ignoring just how much you love me and how alive I feel in your tender embrace. But something tells me it’s not enough and I’m stupid enough to believe. Why? I don’t know. Is there ever a reasonable answer to such a question? You love me with purity and truth but you are not naïve to my deceptions. But your grace is magnified by the depths of my shame when I return to you. Teach me to flee your presence no more. Help me to stand beside you and hunger only to be held more tightly. Change my heart. I see your beauty and this reflection pales… lead me home that I might reveal the same light as you.

Time Creeps Forward

Sliding by the winds whisper and say how old I am today.
Once it was a joke by now it seems that slowing fading are my dreams.
Captive in a foreign land, led carefully by a strong, gentle hand.
Never forced – I give all my trust – since obey truth I must.
Lines and wrinkles, deaf and blind, sill I see and hear all I left behind.
None of that matters though, just as long as I know you love me so.
Time is endless with you, if the words you wrote are true.
So let the end draw near, nothing in life do I dare hold so dear
for everything I want and need, every little word and deed,
speak louder than any shout. It is you I can’t live without.
Advance! Advance I say! For birth and death are just another day.

Dichotomy

It is a strange sensation to be somewhere you don’t necessarily want to be, but somewhere you have to be. It is a part of your destiny and there you are living it out, only you wonder when it happened and why and when it will end and what is next or if this is it.

So strange it becomes impossible to fathom all the good that has happened here. Not just for me, but to all those I’ve met and how I’ve seen them open up and grow in smiles and hope, and perhaps more.

Some I cannot explain simply because I do not know how or you must experience it yourself. Deep inside, you know when the stars align and the words are right and life is whole – nothing is missing, though you may want more still – this is a natural tendency to all.

And so here I am, a million miles away, missing my friends and family, embracing my new life, living completely and whole and wholly free by a will that also is free. And I do what is right and what I’m supposed to do. Some might call that a dichotomy. I call it just right.

Let it go

Stealing my heart and my mind, I let it all go,
just to be here, right now, just so I can show
the light o this life,
the strength of this soul;
just to know of peace,
just to hear you love me so.
Much more than I have ever know,
more than anyone has ever dared.
You were never afraid of me,
you were never ever scared.
But just to be here, right now, so I can show
the light of this life and the strength of this soul,
to finally know peace and to hear you say, “I love you so.”
What more could I dream? How loud must I scream?
You’ve stolen my heart.
You’ve stolen my mind.
My will? My all? My everything?
To you I let it go.

Darkness

Darkness is an ambush that lies in wait desperately wanting to find you alone and weak and eyes glazed over in fear. Darkness is derived from an absence of light that does night shine around or in or through. Darkness lies and says that it is good and that you should yield to its strength and that it is more powerful than anything else in history.
Like I said, darkness lies.

Darkness is weak - it possesses unimaginable power surpassed by light. For light shines and makes all else come to light. Darkness cannot stamp out the sun - anywhere an object lies the sun can remove the shadows if darkness chooses to get in the way.

But turning away from the light produces victory for the darkness.

Darkness lies. Do not turn away from the light. The light is good. The light is life.

Business as usual

Ok, yes, I still need to learn how to iron more often. I'm busy, ok? ;p

Release

Losing it all – what cost shall be beared to see the ocean so perfect as it did today? Crystal waters reflected from a blazing sun. Mountains towering over the landscape and an island bearing promise amidst its cries of pain not yet silenced.
What am I becoming more and more of nothing? Can it be so that I am less now than all my dreams had in store?
The heart breaks in confusion – unaware suddenly of everything, longing and searching for something that will hear these tears running down my face and seeing the weight borne by such small shoulders. What hope can take this burden from me? By what manner might I be made to live and live in joy, basking in the soft wind under gentle golden rays stepping in velvet sands that release me? Release me from these chains and I am yours. Release me to lose it all so I may gain today, yesterday, tomorrow and forevermore.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller...

Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

30 meters

DSCN3359
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

That's me in red. The wave knocked the top off...

Devastation

DSCN3315
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

everywhere you go you still see the effects of the tsunami

whisper (2)

Whispering in the darkness, nothing remains at all.
Trees, metal, tile & flesh drown me in blood.
Closing my eyes tighter still the breath escapes me and still the wave rises higher and rages more powerfully.
Desperate to make a sound but beyond fear there is no denying the emptiness that swallows me whole. Never again will I hear my love smile. Nothing shall remain - not even a memory - for they are stripped away by power unforeseen and incapable of being imagined.
Whispering in the darkness I die, whether or not I survive this watery hell.

Lead Me

Your words roar in my head like thunder and i am shattered, unable to respond. You want my whole life and I just want to cry.
I want to go home. I do not want to suffer anymore. I cannot stand and still you remain beside me - calming my fears and easing my doubts.
Overwhelmed and incapable, but such is not the truth. Far too much to do and still it is enough. It shall be all right.
Only fools claw at me and attempt to drag me down. My friends are broken and crushed by the darkness that surrounds.
Oceans away I cry for them. Tears separate my heart, and pleading I beg for mercy upon them. Lead them also back to you, what we might stand upon your words that roar in my head.
I come undone, at least allow it to be on a strong foundation that is cleaned and rebuilt upon easily. Do not let me go without you, for without you I am nothing. You are everything. You have my whole life already, lead it as you must.

Floating

Each whisper a cry, longing to be released from this cage. Once roaming the earth but now trapped in this… this... cocoon that requires me to seemingly be born again from a womb? Once was enough – I must endure this trial again?

Seemingly so a dream stirs inside that casts such a beautiful vision of looking down upon this world while floating in the night sky – free from harm but still maintaining a role. No wish granted could match the spectacle of flight and though I coul not before now the hope seems within grasp!

Is such thinking not foolish though? Once legged and now winged? Unlikely! Unfathomable. No. It certainly cannot be so… but how does one forget? Shy should this dare be forgotten?

Fight! Freedom! With the power of seemingly another’s strength the urge yields sunlight shining down. And escaping from the cell it fades beneath me. And realization that by pursuit of the dream it has been reached, the wings flap and float and dare to fly higher still, now knowing that creation is meant to soar.

Change

Blink and the world has forever changed yet again. All my friends – where have you gone? Or where has it I have left you for? My mind races and new faces appear, new souls are bonded and much joy and celebration occurs and BLINK.

Lost! All is lost again! Why? How? A journey with constant beginning can lead to no ending, and is this recycling story not mine?

Blink.

No, I remain and it is the others who change. I feel my own hearts’ loss and gain. No control over them do I have, but such does not tell that the bond is broken, only removed from my sight.

Suddenly I feel the love remain again. I – blink – still abide in it. Blink. I feel it surge in me as the changes bring more and not less. Blink. Foundations are not weathered by change when made of truth and action of its love.

Blink. I am forever changed. Are you?

Blink.

foreign soil

Awake

Eyes open and will not shut for the prayers of the dying are at hand. What price can be given or paid for such a chance as to know even the greatest of things? And such an opportunity is thrown away and for what? FOR WHAT? To see a new jewel on a mistress’ neck? To own another suit with many silk ties? To eat an extra lobster with a finer bottle of wine?

This nightmare goes on while the dream dies in the sufferings hands. And thought they see a new force loving them, do they ignore the possibility of leaving it all to follow that which loves them more than anything they’ve ever known? Is their sacrifice any less or greater than mine?

Yes, because I have already chosen and have no fears but one left to face. May today also be a good day to die, and that when it is time I am prepared to and do die well.

Show these in dreams and miracles that the cost of being awake is worth it.

P7100095
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

MEOW!!!!!!!

DSCN2151
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

healing the land

P7100124
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

lucu

P7070032
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

temple

P7100114
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.

My friends are so mean. I told them not to make me cry and then they go out and buy me this awesome gift and say not to look at it right then at my party. I love them to death. And so I get on a plane in a week. In 2 I'll be at my destination. And I refuse to read anything else they've written until I get on that plane. It will be too hard, otherwise... already hard enough.

leaving soon

Getting on a plane in 2 weeks. Unbelievable.