Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
"The choice between what is right, and what is easy."
Fire. Swords. Grief and sadness. Separated if only by an inch from madness.
Fear. Lies. Torments that once again rise. The difference between what I want and what my destiny is.
Right. Wrong. Knowing a challenge but choosing hidden shame.
None can see what was not done for another will stand in the place where wars had to be won.
A life worth living, a cause worth sacrificing and dying for - a love which must and always has been.
A choice. A vision. A dream. Costs counted and the prize now in sight.
Armor at ready. Strength and courage summoned from a spirit more holy and pure. Since the dawn of time, since freedom was born, since truth is.
"It's all going to change now, isn't it?"
Everything once known has now passed on to the next. The life once lived has faded into dreams where joys once commonly known have been replaced by far surpassing joys mingled with greater sufferings.
Former fires have shifted to new homes and worlds where new everythings are learned so that new heights might be scaled.
There is no time to look back in regret anymore. There is no chance to change what has been done. Advancing upon new treasures of clay and soul, new lights and lives, new wonders to explore and become.
Missing that which I love, but not missing out on that which is beloved. Purifying and forging new blades that cut deeper to free souls from the boundaries which imprison. It all has to change, and it must start right now.
"The Edge of Tears"
Seeing action, sacrifice, living, dying, here I sit and stare wondering if I shall beware or dare to care for something greater still. My hope in the greatest of all things but a tear springs and glistens in a shining sun beneath a cloudless sky that bids me farewell.
Pain and joy ringing in ears that sear with echoes of lives fading into the mist, drowning in waters that I cannot save them from. Heartbeats pulsing to the quick before finally halting beneath black waves.
Sudden is the sadness that knows no such grief yet cannot help but be broken and unable to cope right alongside with those so capable.
This dance is everlasting and I am never so alone. Though none may ever truly understand still I pray that some may want to, that some would envelope my suffering in their souls and imagine in their minds eye and so too weep with me for the loves lost and the friends buried and the enemies who but killed themselves upon their own sword and anger and lies.
Captive to such a prison these shackles do not hold me for the golden key possessed washes red clean over me into an abyss of life that sings under stars shining so bright even the blind could see if bothered to look. Still turning away my smile comes with a heavy price that carries me to far off lands and burdens requiring time to release.
These tears I cry are real, and dearly, though strong might I be, on the verge of salty oceans I always am.
Fire. Swords. Grief and sadness. Separated if only by an inch from madness.
Fear. Lies. Torments that once again rise. The difference between what I want and what my destiny is.
Right. Wrong. Knowing a challenge but choosing hidden shame.
None can see what was not done for another will stand in the place where wars had to be won.
A life worth living, a cause worth sacrificing and dying for - a love which must and always has been.
A choice. A vision. A dream. Costs counted and the prize now in sight.
Armor at ready. Strength and courage summoned from a spirit more holy and pure. Since the dawn of time, since freedom was born, since truth is.
"It's all going to change now, isn't it?"
Everything once known has now passed on to the next. The life once lived has faded into dreams where joys once commonly known have been replaced by far surpassing joys mingled with greater sufferings.
Former fires have shifted to new homes and worlds where new everythings are learned so that new heights might be scaled.
There is no time to look back in regret anymore. There is no chance to change what has been done. Advancing upon new treasures of clay and soul, new lights and lives, new wonders to explore and become.
Missing that which I love, but not missing out on that which is beloved. Purifying and forging new blades that cut deeper to free souls from the boundaries which imprison. It all has to change, and it must start right now.
"The Edge of Tears"
Seeing action, sacrifice, living, dying, here I sit and stare wondering if I shall beware or dare to care for something greater still. My hope in the greatest of all things but a tear springs and glistens in a shining sun beneath a cloudless sky that bids me farewell.
Pain and joy ringing in ears that sear with echoes of lives fading into the mist, drowning in waters that I cannot save them from. Heartbeats pulsing to the quick before finally halting beneath black waves.
Sudden is the sadness that knows no such grief yet cannot help but be broken and unable to cope right alongside with those so capable.
This dance is everlasting and I am never so alone. Though none may ever truly understand still I pray that some may want to, that some would envelope my suffering in their souls and imagine in their minds eye and so too weep with me for the loves lost and the friends buried and the enemies who but killed themselves upon their own sword and anger and lies.
Captive to such a prison these shackles do not hold me for the golden key possessed washes red clean over me into an abyss of life that sings under stars shining so bright even the blind could see if bothered to look. Still turning away my smile comes with a heavy price that carries me to far off lands and burdens requiring time to release.
These tears I cry are real, and dearly, though strong might I be, on the verge of salty oceans I always am.
Friday, December 23, 2005
The Night Before
Two days before Christmas and all through the land every creature is stirring - each with their own demands; some want peace, and others want money; still there are those who seek power, and fame, a few just glory. But more than all these there is a cry, a shout, for the one thing all of us want, what we can't do without.
Before the dawn of time and all things came to be there was truth, and spirit, a power that created all we see. There was a cost, though, for all that was done; you see, evil came to be, and its champion believed he had won.
But the author knew better. His right hand was strong, and he had a plan - in fact, there was one ready all along.
So, many years later, when the clock struck right, there came a savior to this world, one whose words were pure like light!
Love arrived, in a package few were aware, but this love came to sacrifice out of choice - not a dare. He lived perfect, and died the same, and love forgave his enemies - evil's champion lost the game.
Now the land still cries and shouts, but love has come, and we must acknowledge without doubt. To so so we must act, we must no longer lie; we must give, and help, and serve, and so love.
Sometimes, we must die.
Before the dawn of time and all things came to be there was truth, and spirit, a power that created all we see. There was a cost, though, for all that was done; you see, evil came to be, and its champion believed he had won.
But the author knew better. His right hand was strong, and he had a plan - in fact, there was one ready all along.
So, many years later, when the clock struck right, there came a savior to this world, one whose words were pure like light!
Love arrived, in a package few were aware, but this love came to sacrifice out of choice - not a dare. He lived perfect, and died the same, and love forgave his enemies - evil's champion lost the game.
Now the land still cries and shouts, but love has come, and we must acknowledge without doubt. To so so we must act, we must no longer lie; we must give, and help, and serve, and so love.
Sometimes, we must die.
FOLLOW ME
I will take you everywhere and anywhere - just follow me; you'll see: what your heart desires is to be free and full and happy. Doubt not that for the rest of my days I will strive to make this happen - just follow me; I will never hurt you or lead you astray. I will never for an instant forget you or lose sight of how precious you are to me. Follow me and we will discover your destiny together, no matter where... everywhere. Follow me, can't you see? i live to see your smiles and hear your laughter and know you more. Without you I will - I must - go on, but will search for you until it is too late. So follow me. Follow me and I shall not fail you, for this love is a gift for you. I love you. Can't you see? Please, follow me.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
"I surrender"
thanks Greg Wong for this photo. Made me laugh all day.
"You got me, I'll go back quietly"
"So what are you going to bluescreen me onto?"
"Look mister, I swear i didn't touch your wife!"
"Now, mom, is there really a need for a strip search?"
"Since when is having a nice hairdo such a crime?"
"Man, I knew I forgot to put on clothes today!"
"Up, up and away!!!!!!!!! Wait, where's my cape?"
"You got me, I'll go back quietly"
"So what are you going to bluescreen me onto?"
"Look mister, I swear i didn't touch your wife!"
"Now, mom, is there really a need for a strip search?"
"Since when is having a nice hairdo such a crime?"
"Man, I knew I forgot to put on clothes today!"
"Up, up and away!!!!!!!!! Wait, where's my cape?"
Thanksgiving
mom, dad, dan
turkey and cranberry sauce on the other side of the world.
laughter
soccer
USC football
amazing and supportive friends across the globe
sunsets on the beach
doing what i'm meant to be doing right now
Jesus
the ability to think and reason logically
the ability to have fun and go crazy from time to time
music, singing, art: dance, poetry, writing, painting, photos
opportunities to love and serve
freedom
free will
hope
faith
love
family
taking risks like seeing the world and being rewarded with sheer amazement at seeing the encyclopedia before my very eyes.
finishing a journal gifted to me by my two great New Years newlywed friends
having had long talks with Kevin and Mark before I left
the book of Mark, Hosea, Daniel, the psalms, Galatians, Hebrews, Isaiah, Genesis, Exodus, Judges, Ruth, Esther, Revelations, etc.
getting to read Harry Potter in English over the Pacific, and having so many teachers of my new language
driving
winter on the equator
students who wonder where I am and worry when I will leave
soccer jerseys
purified water that is actually necessary
email
blogs
smiles
forgiveness
grace
a new day
sight, hearing, health
surprises
giglling
inspiring movies
contentment and satisfaction
adventure
dreams
life
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Saturday, November 19, 2005
unscripted unrehearsed
don't you ever just wonder what it's like to type and not look back or think and wonder where in the world you are and why everyone seems to have forgotten you except all your new friends who don't and won't and can't understand you because your old life doesn't belong in the new one and they think different thoughts and see different things about you that even you can't believe? i sit and stare and pray and hope and dream and answer questions about life that they can't even fathom: a jewish father and catholic mother and a path devoted to the messiah that has taught understanding and world view that they can't even conceive because they're so absolutely opposed to any truth than what they've been ordered to believe. and even my mom is quite the same and doesn't want to consider that god is more that the words a priest speaks and though she works to love i see the fear and despair in her life that just shouldn't be. and my dad doesn't care. and my brother doesn't want to invest in this freedom that i have and it is all about choice. but my students choose to not choose apparently because palestine is a land of ishmael and not isaac even though its the land of abraham. facts not fiction must be known. foolish anger and sudden questioning and revealed is my truth before them all and now i wonder what ramifications will appear. and truly i don't care because, well, i just don't. truth is truth. i have studied truth for twenty years and been applauded and condemned every single time. I know both sides of the story and so see the deeper truth: the path of peace and love and sacrifice that is SO much harder than anger and hate and pride and obtusity. my voice echoes in outer space and my screams die in silence. perhaps so too will i but my friends love me and so does god and so i love them and all and even those who would be my enemies. circles of life end in death. perhaps it is time to look past all the fears and all the mortgages and debts and clothes and cars and the way we are taught to live and instead live the way we are supposed to live in truth: one that will require great sacrifice but be rewarded 10, 20, or even a hundredfold; and maybe not here but in the time to come. Blessed are the poor, the weak, the oppressed, the hungry, the needy, the lonely - they will be comforted by the almighty and all loving creator of the universe itself who lives and breathes and even dies for those he loves if they would just stinking figure it out and believe and live. even if it means they die soon. hey, we all die eventually.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
a tribute to Rosa Parks
Refusal
Again and again I come around to the question – why does no one accept me just as I am? why must I succumb and become less than I am because others do not – cannot – see? No, it should not be this way. I will fight. Here I will remain – sitting for all to see because I am so tired.
Humiliated day after day by people who just do not understand my sufferings, can’t comprehend much of anything really. They have no want to understand or even follow the truth and righteousness they so boldly claim to believe.
Unable to shed a tear for my captors, unable to succumb to the evils that cover this land and seek to dominate my life.
I REFUSE. DO YOU HEAR ME? I refuse to accept less than I deserve. I refuse to be less than who I am. and though I might do so alone, and though I may die, I REFUSE.
You hear nothing else, perhaps now you will finally be able to hear and see your own evil reflection.
Again and again I come around to the question – why does no one accept me just as I am? why must I succumb and become less than I am because others do not – cannot – see? No, it should not be this way. I will fight. Here I will remain – sitting for all to see because I am so tired.
Humiliated day after day by people who just do not understand my sufferings, can’t comprehend much of anything really. They have no want to understand or even follow the truth and righteousness they so boldly claim to believe.
Unable to shed a tear for my captors, unable to succumb to the evils that cover this land and seek to dominate my life.
I REFUSE. DO YOU HEAR ME? I refuse to accept less than I deserve. I refuse to be less than who I am. and though I might do so alone, and though I may die, I REFUSE.
You hear nothing else, perhaps now you will finally be able to hear and see your own evil reflection.
deja vu
SOMETIMES
Once in a while I look out upon the open sea and wonder where it might carry me to. So powerful, so clear, and so full of grace is its power that can crush, or can yield a rebirth.
As my feet settle into the sweet fine sand I sink into what I can only hope is the end of my journey – but alas it is not to be so for the current beckons me in to see and discover deeper truth and meaning that lies hidden beneath its glass ceiling.
Drawing deep into my lungs I dive and open my eyes for the first time upon a new heaven filled with such color and wonder that it is clear in my own life that treasures are so guarded.
And sometimes I wonder if someone else out there will walk into my ocean and see the riches that lie beneath.
BLIND
Blind to the love that would have me, am I deaf too?
Why do I not hear – why refuse to see?
This mirror casts shadows, doubt; rage; I am so without.
Clawing at scars that will not burn away,
unable to forget every word and each day
they spoke and shamed and made me believe
I did not deserve to live; rather is was not worth it.
My eyes are open but I am tired of this truth.
I am exhausted by the futile attempts
to look in her eyes and see something
besides emptiness and no love.
I want to finally see in her eyes
joy and passion and love and desire.
But I can’t. Not because I’m blind,
but because she is.
WRETCHED
There must be nothing inside of me that others see. None want, and so I fail. Darkness, humiliation… time and again. Downward spiral. What hope? Why should I bother? An ugly prince is still clearly ugly. Beauty never loves the beast. Shame. Constant and more often that the tide in its rising. Valiant warriors full of courage are never alone. So I must not be valiant or courageous. I see so much of the inside, but none are ever able to see past this abhorrent shell. Scars run deeper still and will never heal until death itself decays them. Pain. Who would dare share in such as this? Arrogant – there is nothing in another love that compares to the suffering of a martyr – still the complaints pour out of this mouth. Wretched. Despicable. Nothing. And so there is nothing inside of me that is worth anyone seeing.
CANNOT SETTLE
Again and again I remain in torment for I am despised and rejected by those I want – I am alone. Alone.
Permanence resounds like the slamming of a cold steel cell door. Imprisoned within this you are with me and lone are my partner, my solace, my light and my way. Anything less is unacceptable. Unable. Would I be with another I could not give all of myself too? Surely not.
But my knuckles are red and bloody. My arms and neck ache. My spirit sags and there is nothing but this cold space in which I cannot breathe and yet still am not permitted to die.
I want everything. I cannot succumb to less for it is less. The secrets inside of me deserve to be unlocked so greater depths can be revealed.
I am alone, but not.
I cannot settle. Can not.
Once in a while I look out upon the open sea and wonder where it might carry me to. So powerful, so clear, and so full of grace is its power that can crush, or can yield a rebirth.
As my feet settle into the sweet fine sand I sink into what I can only hope is the end of my journey – but alas it is not to be so for the current beckons me in to see and discover deeper truth and meaning that lies hidden beneath its glass ceiling.
Drawing deep into my lungs I dive and open my eyes for the first time upon a new heaven filled with such color and wonder that it is clear in my own life that treasures are so guarded.
And sometimes I wonder if someone else out there will walk into my ocean and see the riches that lie beneath.
BLIND
Blind to the love that would have me, am I deaf too?
Why do I not hear – why refuse to see?
This mirror casts shadows, doubt; rage; I am so without.
Clawing at scars that will not burn away,
unable to forget every word and each day
they spoke and shamed and made me believe
I did not deserve to live; rather is was not worth it.
My eyes are open but I am tired of this truth.
I am exhausted by the futile attempts
to look in her eyes and see something
besides emptiness and no love.
I want to finally see in her eyes
joy and passion and love and desire.
But I can’t. Not because I’m blind,
but because she is.
WRETCHED
There must be nothing inside of me that others see. None want, and so I fail. Darkness, humiliation… time and again. Downward spiral. What hope? Why should I bother? An ugly prince is still clearly ugly. Beauty never loves the beast. Shame. Constant and more often that the tide in its rising. Valiant warriors full of courage are never alone. So I must not be valiant or courageous. I see so much of the inside, but none are ever able to see past this abhorrent shell. Scars run deeper still and will never heal until death itself decays them. Pain. Who would dare share in such as this? Arrogant – there is nothing in another love that compares to the suffering of a martyr – still the complaints pour out of this mouth. Wretched. Despicable. Nothing. And so there is nothing inside of me that is worth anyone seeing.
CANNOT SETTLE
Again and again I remain in torment for I am despised and rejected by those I want – I am alone. Alone.
Permanence resounds like the slamming of a cold steel cell door. Imprisoned within this you are with me and lone are my partner, my solace, my light and my way. Anything less is unacceptable. Unable. Would I be with another I could not give all of myself too? Surely not.
But my knuckles are red and bloody. My arms and neck ache. My spirit sags and there is nothing but this cold space in which I cannot breathe and yet still am not permitted to die.
I want everything. I cannot succumb to less for it is less. The secrets inside of me deserve to be unlocked so greater depths can be revealed.
I am alone, but not.
I cannot settle. Can not.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Reality
TEARS
Will i not cry as thousands more die,
tears fall and i can do nothing,
doing everything i can in just one place.
still more fall, walls crumble and mud slides on top of fleeing souls that cry and shout and scream but die all the same.
Did they know? Did they believe? Did they have any peace as the darkness swallowed them whole, shaking the foundations of their existence?
What would i not do to aid now? would i not bleed and sacrifice more from my lofty existence to love and care for those that have less than nothing?
No longer can i bear to watch, for these rivers from my eyes prevent me. Now i too raise my voice and beg to discover what is next, for i will have no peace until others have drunk from the wellspring of the one true hope and love offered so gracefully.
~dedicated to those touched by the earthquake in Pakistan (Oct 13 edit: over 41,000), the mudslides in Guatemala (more than 200), the typhoons in India and Taiwan, the tsunami in Indonesia, Thailand, Somalia, India and Sri Lanka, and the hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico, the bombs in Bali, starvation and AIDS and murderous dictatorships across Africa, and to soldiers dying in Iraq.
Will i not cry as thousands more die,
tears fall and i can do nothing,
doing everything i can in just one place.
still more fall, walls crumble and mud slides on top of fleeing souls that cry and shout and scream but die all the same.
Did they know? Did they believe? Did they have any peace as the darkness swallowed them whole, shaking the foundations of their existence?
What would i not do to aid now? would i not bleed and sacrifice more from my lofty existence to love and care for those that have less than nothing?
No longer can i bear to watch, for these rivers from my eyes prevent me. Now i too raise my voice and beg to discover what is next, for i will have no peace until others have drunk from the wellspring of the one true hope and love offered so gracefully.
~dedicated to those touched by the earthquake in Pakistan (Oct 13 edit: over 41,000), the mudslides in Guatemala (more than 200), the typhoons in India and Taiwan, the tsunami in Indonesia, Thailand, Somalia, India and Sri Lanka, and the hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico, the bombs in Bali, starvation and AIDS and murderous dictatorships across Africa, and to soldiers dying in Iraq.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Oldies but goodies
Standing Before You
Before you now I close my eyes,
tears run down, hypnotized
trembling I can’t stand for long
I stumble, choke – can’t sing this song
You were my rock, my hope, my dream
But now I’m lost, trapped within
A world that lies and kills for joy
A world despised will be destroyed
Home – I found my way back to you,
Praying you can’t see all
The nightmares I’ve been living through…
Now I wait to hear what you will do.
Before you now it all comes down to this,
I ran afraid – you made me feel,
I couldn’t trust what was real
I betrayed you with a last kiss.
So far I fell, I gave it all up,
All for nothing, now I live in hell.
I remembered you there, and here I came,
I’m still afraid, but I’m not the same.
Home – I found my way back to you,
Praying you can’t see all
The nightmares I’ve been living through…
Now I wait to hear what you will do.
And what you say I cannot comprehend –
Pure love and care – you want me to live!
Hold me in your arms, I am home.
Never ever again will I choose to roam…
Home – I found my way back to you,
You saw everything –
The horror and shame I went through…
And you said “welcome home,” “I love you.”
And standing before you now I am free
Becoming all I ever wanted to be
Believing the reflection you speak to me
It took so long, but I can finally see.
seek and find
Salt and sand cover nothing but a grave that washes over a life long pat but clearly unforgotten. Sill there is more than awareness that desire overwhelms the lessons believed in so deeply but now unacted upon. Surely chaos reigns and I do too much according to others until I run away and start anew. But not with you, or you, or you, but YOU. Only you are with me and I push all others so far away because I fear. I fear not only their touch but their depth. I want what I want but I will not take it from anyone. From you I cannot but from her – whoever she might yet be – I will not. You made this so. You turned me into who I am – a good but f'd up man. Still I run from all things, longing to be known and alone all at once where I am safe but fulfilled. Instead I endanger not only myself but all those around me I want to love with all my heart, mind, soul and strength too. If I could hear you and listen then perhaps all would make more sense but I do not and cannot and it does not. Rage reasserts itself and floods wash over me but I breathe deeply and do not forget salvation this time, only the pain remains. The fire. The change. The birth. The escape. The life. The answer. You. Not me. You.
Can I?
Can I take a moment now to just sit and shout?
Can I take some time to just let it out?
All the days you’ve caused me to lose them so,
Every moment you stripped from me and now I know.
Pain I see before my ways,
Now you’re gone and now it’s time to pay.
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
Can I take an hour to sit here and cry?
Can I take my life to let it go and not ask why?
Every ounce of strength inside is ready to explode
Now is the time to race and run the perilous road.
Mountains to climb, oceans to swim and fights to win
Every last breath to the fullest – I’m never giving in.
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
Within my reach I extend my hand
All of my love – never a demand
Tore a hole in my soul but here I stand
Power, glory and joy before me – don’t know when I’ll land
And I know that there’s more to me
And I know that I can be free
All these scars, they won’t burn away
But you’re gone – now I live for today
All these scars, they make me strong
You’re finally gone, now I can sing this song.
Home in you I lay it down, giving all – its yours.
Here I am I sacrifice and bow my will to yours
And I know its all you
I know everything is true
Nothing I can say or do
You forgive and I’m made new
Life in yours I lift it up, knowing you drank the cup
Here I am I worship you, you’re glorious in all you do
And I know its all you
I know everything is true
Nothing I can say or do
You forgive and I’m made new
Joy is found in your presence, Lord
A smile that grows
A way I walk that’s not my own
But now a love that shows
In your arms I’ve found my way, no price to pay, no words to say.
In your death I’m born again, no sin to serve, my peace through the pain…
FLOW (fall '03)
Approaching, onward, up and through that which would restrict freedom leads to a letting go and it becomes life. Spinning and turning, becoming more that a part of me, becoming everything. No longer in isolation, but one with something greater and more beautiful – a masterpiece of movement in this life. Every motion refined with nothing left to waste, as if breathing.
Such beauty to behold! Thoughts and preparation yielding such majesty that eyes cannot avert, and inside – somewhere deep in the soul – something awakens for the first time: a vision of the creator of this joy that brings tears. The world comes into place as each step is in rhythm with the sounds of the heavens. And as the final pirouette brings an end to the dance, a new day draws near, basking in the light and love of Christ.
Forgetting the FutureWhen I can’t go on
and seek to stop
I look no further
than my own past.
For if I were to
just jump from the tip
of my tongue and see
that the pain won’t last.
Looking for the Christ
restores all my hope.
Attempting to be a sheep
helps me pass the test.
Uscita (exit)
There it is, waiting for me. It looms gargantuan, open wide and ready to slam loudly shut from behind, exclaiming to everyone that it is finished. The eyes - clear and crystal - are fierce like the lion's and hurt like a wounded child's. There was no expectation, no justifiable reason, therefore absolutely no sense for all roads to lead to this dead and ironclad end. The fairy tale is a story of joy and wonder - it should never end in pain and screaming nightmares such as this. Only we're not asleep, we're not waking up from a figment of our imagination that doesn't require turning back the clock to undo. This reality is frozen in history and her face reveals that there is no summer to come that will melt this. A penalty too grand? No, it is just, only the crime did not yield a reward worth the loss before me now. To never see that smile just one more time, or to hear that perfectly luscious and repetitive heartbeat every night to help me fall asleep, or just even to know that you loved me with every last twitch of your soul. And it is gone. This is my last exit, and you will never let me in again.
Like a Rose (winter 1999)
From afar one sees only the blood red
appearing in the darkness.
Closer and closer I look, and the color pours forth
over the gloom and death surrounding it.
Is this true? Is the rose real? Shall I believe?
With confidence and assurance I trust, and then reach out
to touch but the color has already covered me.
I feel it burning, cleansing, and refining me
from the depths of my soul.
A joy that cannot be fathomed I discover at that moment,
and it does not leave.
It is then that I take hold of the rose and hold tight.
The incredible pain of each thorn is not enough to make me separate
from a pleasure that has graced me and sanctified me – saved me.
This is love, in which the sacrifice yields something so profound –
so real – that to lose it would kill me for all of eternity.
To be me (November 25, 2002)
The chaos surrounds me, swirling amidst that which I long to know, long to be, but cannot anymore. The old life gone but not forgotten, struggling to let go so more can be had – for it’s already given but not taken. But to take, more must be sacrificed – to discover who I am I can no longer be he who I am not.
I believe, but my unbelief traps me. I cry out but still am silent. I feel – unable to be completely healed from the past – but cannot find my way – though there is but one.
Just then everything changes again and I search but am not free of my bonds, a slave to my own fears but afraid to be free. My faith is not dying but I am – slowly, patiently, breathlessly. The responsibility of my life is mine – but completely Jesus’ all at once – for it is His path I attempt to walk, His spirit that restores my soul, His word that makes me do what I want when I don’t.
Soon I will awake to a life I want but is not yet mine. The future is near though the past hunts it without stopping. Now – right now – iron sharpens iron, wills yield slowly, truth seeps in through the cracks. The foundation is made wise, the hope in the unseen made stronger, and the fears fade. I will be what I am to be – a man after God’s own heart
Friday, September 02, 2005
Saya tahu anda tahu saya tahu
(I know you know I know)
These words do not set me free,
everywhere I go and everything I see is nothing without you.
I need your touch.
I need your love.
I need your life.
Sad eyes, I cannot see anymore what I should do.
The aches and pains, these tears I cry, I am through.
I obey your laws but feel not your touch.
You promised if I did you’d give me that much.
I am willing and have I now no blame?
Still I’m speechless, in awe – you put me to shame.
The silence speaks to me,
I listened to lies – you set me free,
everything I am is you.
I know your touch.
I know your love.
I know your life.
And I know you know I know.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
4 of a kind
Change my Heart
Nothing feared and hope left to spare, exhaustion overwhelms – you are too far from me. Not seeing that which captivates, forgetting your voice, losing grip of your touch. It matters more than anything but here I am, running again, ignoring just how much you love me and how alive I feel in your tender embrace. But something tells me it’s not enough and I’m stupid enough to believe. Why? I don’t know. Is there ever a reasonable answer to such a question? You love me with purity and truth but you are not naïve to my deceptions. But your grace is magnified by the depths of my shame when I return to you. Teach me to flee your presence no more. Help me to stand beside you and hunger only to be held more tightly. Change my heart. I see your beauty and this reflection pales… lead me home that I might reveal the same light as you.
Time Creeps Forward
Sliding by the winds whisper and say how old I am today.
Once it was a joke by now it seems that slowing fading are my dreams.
Captive in a foreign land, led carefully by a strong, gentle hand.
Never forced – I give all my trust – since obey truth I must.
Lines and wrinkles, deaf and blind, sill I see and hear all I left behind.
None of that matters though, just as long as I know you love me so.
Time is endless with you, if the words you wrote are true.
So let the end draw near, nothing in life do I dare hold so dear
for everything I want and need, every little word and deed,
speak louder than any shout. It is you I can’t live without.
Advance! Advance I say! For birth and death are just another day.
Dichotomy
It is a strange sensation to be somewhere you don’t necessarily want to be, but somewhere you have to be. It is a part of your destiny and there you are living it out, only you wonder when it happened and why and when it will end and what is next or if this is it.
So strange it becomes impossible to fathom all the good that has happened here. Not just for me, but to all those I’ve met and how I’ve seen them open up and grow in smiles and hope, and perhaps more.
Some I cannot explain simply because I do not know how or you must experience it yourself. Deep inside, you know when the stars align and the words are right and life is whole – nothing is missing, though you may want more still – this is a natural tendency to all.
And so here I am, a million miles away, missing my friends and family, embracing my new life, living completely and whole and wholly free by a will that also is free. And I do what is right and what I’m supposed to do. Some might call that a dichotomy. I call it just right.
Let it go
Stealing my heart and my mind, I let it all go,
just to be here, right now, just so I can show
the light o this life,
the strength of this soul;
just to know of peace,
just to hear you love me so.
Much more than I have ever know,
more than anyone has ever dared.
You were never afraid of me,
you were never ever scared.
But just to be here, right now, so I can show
the light of this life and the strength of this soul,
to finally know peace and to hear you say, “I love you so.”
What more could I dream? How loud must I scream?
You’ve stolen my heart.
You’ve stolen my mind.
My will? My all? My everything?
To you I let it go.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Darkness
Darkness is an ambush that lies in wait desperately wanting to find you alone and weak and eyes glazed over in fear. Darkness is derived from an absence of light that does night shine around or in or through. Darkness lies and says that it is good and that you should yield to its strength and that it is more powerful than anything else in history.
Like I said, darkness lies.
Darkness is weak - it possesses unimaginable power surpassed by light. For light shines and makes all else come to light. Darkness cannot stamp out the sun - anywhere an object lies the sun can remove the shadows if darkness chooses to get in the way.
But turning away from the light produces victory for the darkness.
Darkness lies. Do not turn away from the light. The light is good. The light is life.
Like I said, darkness lies.
Darkness is weak - it possesses unimaginable power surpassed by light. For light shines and makes all else come to light. Darkness cannot stamp out the sun - anywhere an object lies the sun can remove the shadows if darkness chooses to get in the way.
But turning away from the light produces victory for the darkness.
Darkness lies. Do not turn away from the light. The light is good. The light is life.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005
Release
Losing it all – what cost shall be beared to see the ocean so perfect as it did today? Crystal waters reflected from a blazing sun. Mountains towering over the landscape and an island bearing promise amidst its cries of pain not yet silenced.
What am I becoming more and more of nothing? Can it be so that I am less now than all my dreams had in store?
The heart breaks in confusion – unaware suddenly of everything, longing and searching for something that will hear these tears running down my face and seeing the weight borne by such small shoulders. What hope can take this burden from me? By what manner might I be made to live and live in joy, basking in the soft wind under gentle golden rays stepping in velvet sands that release me? Release me from these chains and I am yours. Release me to lose it all so I may gain today, yesterday, tomorrow and forevermore.
What am I becoming more and more of nothing? Can it be so that I am less now than all my dreams had in store?
The heart breaks in confusion – unaware suddenly of everything, longing and searching for something that will hear these tears running down my face and seeing the weight borne by such small shoulders. What hope can take this burden from me? By what manner might I be made to live and live in joy, basking in the soft wind under gentle golden rays stepping in velvet sands that release me? Release me from these chains and I am yours. Release me to lose it all so I may gain today, yesterday, tomorrow and forevermore.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
whisper (2)
Whispering in the darkness, nothing remains at all.
Trees, metal, tile & flesh drown me in blood.
Closing my eyes tighter still the breath escapes me and still the wave rises higher and rages more powerfully.
Desperate to make a sound but beyond fear there is no denying the emptiness that swallows me whole. Never again will I hear my love smile. Nothing shall remain - not even a memory - for they are stripped away by power unforeseen and incapable of being imagined.
Whispering in the darkness I die, whether or not I survive this watery hell.
Trees, metal, tile & flesh drown me in blood.
Closing my eyes tighter still the breath escapes me and still the wave rises higher and rages more powerfully.
Desperate to make a sound but beyond fear there is no denying the emptiness that swallows me whole. Never again will I hear my love smile. Nothing shall remain - not even a memory - for they are stripped away by power unforeseen and incapable of being imagined.
Whispering in the darkness I die, whether or not I survive this watery hell.
Lead Me
Your words roar in my head like thunder and i am shattered, unable to respond. You want my whole life and I just want to cry.
I want to go home. I do not want to suffer anymore. I cannot stand and still you remain beside me - calming my fears and easing my doubts.
Overwhelmed and incapable, but such is not the truth. Far too much to do and still it is enough. It shall be all right.
Only fools claw at me and attempt to drag me down. My friends are broken and crushed by the darkness that surrounds.
Oceans away I cry for them. Tears separate my heart, and pleading I beg for mercy upon them. Lead them also back to you, what we might stand upon your words that roar in my head.
I come undone, at least allow it to be on a strong foundation that is cleaned and rebuilt upon easily. Do not let me go without you, for without you I am nothing. You are everything. You have my whole life already, lead it as you must.
I want to go home. I do not want to suffer anymore. I cannot stand and still you remain beside me - calming my fears and easing my doubts.
Overwhelmed and incapable, but such is not the truth. Far too much to do and still it is enough. It shall be all right.
Only fools claw at me and attempt to drag me down. My friends are broken and crushed by the darkness that surrounds.
Oceans away I cry for them. Tears separate my heart, and pleading I beg for mercy upon them. Lead them also back to you, what we might stand upon your words that roar in my head.
I come undone, at least allow it to be on a strong foundation that is cleaned and rebuilt upon easily. Do not let me go without you, for without you I am nothing. You are everything. You have my whole life already, lead it as you must.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Floating
Each whisper a cry, longing to be released from this cage. Once roaming the earth but now trapped in this… this... cocoon that requires me to seemingly be born again from a womb? Once was enough – I must endure this trial again?
Seemingly so a dream stirs inside that casts such a beautiful vision of looking down upon this world while floating in the night sky – free from harm but still maintaining a role. No wish granted could match the spectacle of flight and though I coul not before now the hope seems within grasp!
Is such thinking not foolish though? Once legged and now winged? Unlikely! Unfathomable. No. It certainly cannot be so… but how does one forget? Shy should this dare be forgotten?
Fight! Freedom! With the power of seemingly another’s strength the urge yields sunlight shining down. And escaping from the cell it fades beneath me. And realization that by pursuit of the dream it has been reached, the wings flap and float and dare to fly higher still, now knowing that creation is meant to soar.
Change
Blink and the world has forever changed yet again. All my friends – where have you gone? Or where has it I have left you for? My mind races and new faces appear, new souls are bonded and much joy and celebration occurs and BLINK.
Lost! All is lost again! Why? How? A journey with constant beginning can lead to no ending, and is this recycling story not mine?
Blink.
No, I remain and it is the others who change. I feel my own hearts’ loss and gain. No control over them do I have, but such does not tell that the bond is broken, only removed from my sight.
Suddenly I feel the love remain again. I – blink – still abide in it. Blink. I feel it surge in me as the changes bring more and not less. Blink. Foundations are not weathered by change when made of truth and action of its love.
Blink. I am forever changed. Are you?
Blink.
foreign soil
Awake 
Eyes open and will not shut for the prayers of the dying are at hand. What price can be given or paid for such a chance as to know even the greatest of things? And such an opportunity is thrown away and for what? FOR WHAT? To see a new jewel on a mistress’ neck? To own another suit with many silk ties? To eat an extra lobster with a finer bottle of wine?
This nightmare goes on while the dream dies in the sufferings hands. And thought they see a new force loving them, do they ignore the possibility of leaving it all to follow that which loves them more than anything they’ve ever known? Is their sacrifice any less or greater than mine?
Yes, because I have already chosen and have no fears but one left to face. May today also be a good day to die, and that when it is time I am prepared to and do die well.
Show these in dreams and miracles that the cost of being awake is worth it.
P7100095
Originally uploaded by kjshoemaker.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Monday, June 06, 2005
My friends are so mean. I told them not to make me cry and then they go out and buy me this awesome gift and say not to look at it right then at my party. I love them to death. And so I get on a plane in a week. In 2 I'll be at my destination. And I refuse to read anything else they've written until I get on that plane. It will be too hard, otherwise... already hard enough.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Thursday, May 19, 2005
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